u/Extreme-Razzmatazz81

So kinda what the title says, my MIL is very impolite in all ways to everyone and is beyond cruel and callous to her own daughter. My husband can acknowledge that and sees that his mother is absolutely intentionally belittling his older sister. She says remarks about her looking better with makeup/certain ways she dresses/how she carries herself (ie not swearing or having rbf), how she chooses to spend her free time with recreational usage of cognitive inhibitors (she’s had a lot going on the past few years), or downright disgustingly critiquing her choice in the sexual orientation of preferred partners. MIL has acknowledged that she says cruel things about other people to SIL and when reminded they’re not appropriate buckles down and says “that’s just how I am and how I’ve always been.” SIL is handling this herself, I won’t go into specifics as it’s her business but just know I’m proud of her. It’s worth noting that MIL is not even 60, works a full time job with a lot of important decision making, and is not remotely cognitively impaired. She is this way and she knows it and refuses to change, consequences be d*mned.

All this to say, she does the same crap to me and has for years. From the moment my husband and I got together I have never been enough. Every gift is conditional or has a degrading comment attached. Every issue with my husband is my fault by default as if he isn’t his own adult person capable of making decisions. Our children look nothing like me and I was simply a vessel she has to (failingly) keep the peace with. Anything our children do wrong is my fault because I’ve taught them that way because I’m a SAHM (I’m not just a SAHM, I work from home as well but she whittles me down to nothing but a mom. It’s important to know she’s very career oriented and places a lot of importance on women working.) And I’m tired. I am beyond tired of not understanding how husband can see that she’s cruel to everyone else and acknowledge it, but the second it’s me it’s “I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that.” I genuinely don’t know if it’s his way to ease my mind? If he’s not willing to yet rock the boat by calling her out on this? He’s been shining his spine since we got married and had children. He’s made SIGNIFICANT strides in this and she has bucked every single step. But this is the one thing he can’t budge on for some reason. He’s even went as far as to tell me frustrated one time that I will “always find fault in [his mother] because I think she doesn’t like me and it’s simply not true.”

But it is. She doesn’t like me. We’ve been together a decade and she intentionally goes out of her way to pretend she forgets very widely known details about me. So much so that her own husband and my SIL have called her out publicly for pretending the information is new. I know all of the contempt for me stems from loss of control of her children at the same time because she was unknowingly unprepared for an empty nest due to how intensely she’s focused on her career over the years but that’s not my fault. It is not my fault her son found a partner and settled down. It is not my fault her daughter moved into her own home. It’s not my fault she’s been so blindly devoted to a job that doesn’t care about her that she missed all the important moments for them.