u/Extreme-Tangelo6604

I constantly pushed for deep emotional connection with my avoidant.
I thought it was very important for our relationship for us to understand and be aware of how we feel.
I would often offer my deep and nuanced feelings to him, showing him my willingness to be vulnerable. I expected him to want to express himself back. He very very rarely did, and it was only after I would press and ask him questions about himself. He never offered his deep thoughts and feelings to me by himself.
Sometimes I thought I got the ball rolling, that he was finally going to open his heart to me. I would continue asking questions (he loved answering questions) and then when it came time to go further than surface level he would answer “I don’t know”
Anything that had to do with introspection he was not ready to answer.

I feel like whatever this concept is to avoidants is what ended our relationship

While he was breaking up with me, he finally told me,

“…lying to you was easier than telling you how i really feel…”

“… i thought i was sparing your feelings by not telling you the truth…”

It feels like such a load of horseshit.
So it ever really “i don’t know” or is it “I don’t want to tell you” ?
Or is it some sick combination of both?

I didn’t think or realize he was avoidant until I was discarded.
It feels like his goal is to erase any existence of me from his life, and from his memory.
I’m blocked everywhere
Literally everywhere
I checked, Instagram, TikTok, Spotify, Reddit, all of our shared social media. I’m pretty sure he blocked my email too. I’m not sure if he’s blocked my number, but I’m thinking that’s the case. My messages go through as delivered, but
I called, not even one ring, just a second of silence, then voicemail. Why would he not block my number if he went all the lengths to block me everywhere else.

95% of our relationship long distance, we texted and called a lot.
Our last call lasted 8 hours, he told me we should break up. He told me he wanted us to be better, that he wanted us, wanted to be committed, but he had no hope and no faith in it. He said it wasn’t fair to us to be in a relationship that he doesn’t have faith in.

During that last call, he finally told me that he lied to me. That all the times I was trying to reconnect with him, and he told me he was feeling better. He admitted that he was lying when he told me these things.

Two days before he dumped me, we had dinner together. He told me he wanted to marry me, that I was going to be his wife, he kissed me a lot, was so affectionate, gave me hickeys, we made love. I felt comforted, I felt loved.
I also had a sinking feeling that this was the last time it’d ever happen again, but I ignored it.
He had just told me how much better he felt, and that he loved me.
I chose to believe that he actually loved me, and wanted me as much as he said he did.

I trusted him, and ignored what my nervous system was telling me.
That was a feeling I often had with him.

After every conflict, I always asked him if he was okay, I always pushed for necessary repair. For the sake of us, I convinced myself it was just anxiety and overthinking. Even when my nervous system didn’t believe him, I chose to believe him when he told me he was okay.

I never hid my feelings from him, maybe that made him feel suffocated.
Never hiding my feelings always became a problem. I was wrong, because my feelings made him feel bad.
In the end I’d very often find myself apologizing for feeling my own feelings. It made me want to shrink away, be less, be quieter, and “nicer”.

I believe he has problems showing compassion, sympathy, and empathy too. I tried to fix that, I wouldn’t stand for it, and I thought he wanted to fix it too. I realize that it was never my job or responsibility to do that. I fought so hard for a better version of myself, and a better version of him. I often had a gut feeling that he was holding out on me, constantly choosing not to share his emotions. I thought if I could make a safe and vulnerable enough space for him, he’d open himself up to me.

I convinced myself I was the problem, not him, not us, that it was my fault. I wasn’t doing enough for him, that I need to be less sensitive, etc. I am well aware of my emotional and attachment issues. I shared that with him, that I had problems, and that I was going to work on it. So i did. I was doing everything in my power to change my emotional habits. I was so sure I was making progress. (He told me he saw “little to no progress”)
I was so sure that he loved me enough to want to stay in my life, I was ready to stay with him through anything, and I always told him that. I told him I would never give up on him, and I reminded him that he used to tell me that too. His response, “I guess that’s makes me a liar because I give up”
Our call ended because he claimed he was falling asleep and couldn’t stay up any longer. I let him sleep, he told me he loved me, and that he’d sleep on it. That maybe he’d change his mind, I told him to tell me if and when he felt any different. I told him despite it all, I didn’t feel any different, that I still loved him the same. I’d welcome him back with open arms. I was slightly hopeful for things to get better, I wanted him to regret it.

The morning after, I couldn’t sleep, I texted him. I said I still wanted him, and us, and I would wait for him, and stand by him. I told him I woke up and didn’t feel any differently. He later sent me a short paragraph saying he didn’t feel any different. He said I taught him a lot about love and himself, but he can’t be in my life in a healthy and beneficial way anymore. He said he still loved me.
I feel foolish and pathetic for still clinging on so desperately to the shred of hope that he’d change his mind. I wish I could find some sort of relief from it, it’s hard to tell myself this is what should’ve happened. It still doesn’t feel right to me. It’s so hard because he wasn’t just cold and evil to me, he was kind, caring, and a beautiful person too. I feel like he has some kind of awareness of his problems. I don’t know if he’ll ever do anything about it. I wish for him to heal, I hope he chooses that, and I hope it’s possible.

I’m putting this here to get perspective, opinions, concerns, maybe find some understanding in all the pain.
I invite avoidants and anyone else to comment their experience if they’ve felt similarly.