u/Extreme_Ad_1822

I've been selling my body and time as a sugar baby since I was 17. I never made or had a lot of money, and I live in a very expensive city. I grew up with an abusive (estranged) domineering mother and a passive father. As soon as I became legal I got into a long relationship with my ex sugar daddy who was 50 at the time. Since I was legal, I always needed a father figure for stability, I thought I might die without it. I'm 23 now. I had many whirlwind, toxic relationships with men and women my age over the years. Nothing will ever be enough to satiate me and the void I have come to terms with. That really scares me because I was in love with an executive last year who I found out was living a quadruple life. His betrayal, manipulation and abuse gave me PTSD-like symptoms, and I got scared because I realized I might end up with an emptiness that endless like his or his girlfriends, and I really don't want that. I'm so envious of married couples and I want to experience what it feels like to choose someone and be chosen by someone. I have a boyfriend, and he wants to get married to me in the next few years. People say that you know when you know he's the one. But I don't feel like I know. I'm tired of this life. I feel like I lost my innocence long ago. I don't want to be hurt or hurt others anymore. I really want to be enough for myself to leave this life behind and be happy. I keep relapsing because I need the money.