i have been in therapy for years and still am. i’ve done months of inpatient in the past, meal support, day patient, hospitalisations exc… i developed anorexia when i was 12, and since then ive had 2 relapses. i’m 17, and for the past 5 years ive gone in between periods of prolonged restriction and b/p cycles.
In the past few months, I was trapped in a very intense b/p cycle, which resulted in rapid weight gain. i became extremely depressed and suicidal as i felt a loss of control but last month i started to restrict again. to no surprise, i am now becoming extremely addicted to the weight loss and feeling of control again. i am lying to my therapist about the severity of the situation because i have been in denial myself and i don’t want him to start putting pressure on me to increase my intake, although i know this is just my eating disorder. my dad has started to notice and we’ve been bashing heads about it recently.
please don’t say “loads of people have relapses and recover eventually” because i know in my heart i won’t. i know deep down i will never get better, and every single second of the rest of my life will be consumed by this fucking satanic illness. i am also aware that i am the only one who can choose to get better, which is exactly why i know i wont because its just too powerful. i have lost ALL of my fucking teenagers years, supposedly the “best years” of my life to my eating disorder, and will continue to lose more. everyday i grieve the person i could’ve been if anorexia didn't steal everything from me.
i don’t really know if this is supposed to be a vent or if im seeking advice but i just needed to get everything out as there is no one i can go to in my personal life about this.