I am a 22 year old transgender man, diagnosed with CPTSD (technically PTSD since CPTSD is not an official diagnosis, or at least wasnt when I was diagnosed.) There are a lot of reasons for this, but whats got me up tonight is the house itself, not what the people in it did.

I apologize in advance for typos. I am not feeling well.

Trigger warning for delapitation, mold, bugs, human waste, child neglect, mention of deceased wild animals, along with living wild animals

My mother and step father are hoarders. They both blamed each other, and still do. I moved out when i was seventeen. Without a word to my parents other than asking to spend the night at my grandparents. I didnt go back. Not for years. When i returned to grab some childhood comfort items i couldnt fit in my duffel, they had molded. From just being in my room. (The humidity in that house was awful.) I still brought them home, and soaked them in vinegar for a week, washed them, soaked them again, then washed them again. The items with actual mold growth were unsalvageable. But items that were simply near them were salvaged. This was the first time I realized, maybe it really was that bad. That was two years ago.

My mother separated from my step father a year ago. She moved into my grandparents basement. (We live together again. Thats awful in itself)

Tonight, my step father came over to discuss selling that disgusting hell hole he calls a house. They had the audacity to look at me and ask “are you going to help clean it out to sell?”
And all i could say was “ill clean my room. Not anything else.”

But its been four hours since I agreed to this, and I cant stop crying or trying not to vomit remembering that house.

I have pros and cons. But im not sure which outweighs which.

Pros:
1-anything salvageable of my childhood is in that house.
2-my personal room is just as disgusting as the rest of the hoard. (Because I was only allowed to use 7 pads a period, so i would hide them in my room, so they wouldnt go through the trash and find out i used more. I also used to hoard food, because I wasnt allowed to eat most of what was in the house.) i am afraid of someone else cleaning that, and judging what i did to survive, or thinking im just like them. (My room now is almost always clean. The messiest it gets is clothes on the floor, maybe a couple of empty cans i need to take out to the kitchen)
3-i stole things from my parents i needed. (Like deodorant, toothpaste, and sometimes clothes.) i am scared of them finding out and it somehow getting to my mother who i currently live with.)
4-i can get “proof”. I feel this insatiable urge to prove to myself it was real. That it WAS that bad. That im not overdramatic. That im not CRAZY.

Cons:
1-the smell/look of mold is severely triggering to me. It makes me feel disgusting. It makes me absolutely panic. And that house is FULL of it. Every ceiling corner. Every fabric item (including carpets) has it. All of the boxes. Some of the walls.
2-i am also very afraid of fungus, which is also growing in multiple spots in the house.
3-i have to walk past the bathroom to get to my room. This is a problem because the toilet never worked, and they always just filled the bowl. (Used the toilet without flushing) until it was full, then flushed by filling the tank with water from the shower (which always came out black). The toilet would overflow and get waste everywhere. The smell from this bathroom is so overwhelming. Its like six porta potties were emptied into a 4 by 6 room.
4-there WILL be dead,and maybe living wild animals in that house. As after i moved the out animals raccoons, rats, and mice that were in the walls, started finally scratching through the walls like i had always said they would. (I was told this fear was ridiculous btw)
5-parts of the house have been collapsed for years, and more have been collapsing since i left. The laundry room had always been collapsed, since i was about ten, and the solution was to close the door and duct tape it shut.
6-i will have to be around the people who forced me to live there from ages 6-17, alone, in that house, again. (My partner has offered to come with, but im genuinely so ashamed. I never want them to see the inside of that fucking house, theyve seen the outside and thats bad enough. The hoard extended into the yard and drive way.)
7-bugs can also be incredibly triggering to me. Specifically house centipedes, large spiders, and maggots. Those were all there when i lived there, and no cleaning has been done since i moved out, so theyre definitely still there.

And youd think the cons list being longer would convince me its an awful idea… but the shame of pro number 2, and the idea of pro number 4, really have me questioning it.

I dont want to lose my last chance to prove to myself it WAS that bad. Theres so much i didnt even list. But i think entering that house with those people is going to be harder than running away. Its like facing it. And idk if im far enough into my trauma therapy for that kind of confrontation.

Idk, advice and comments are welcome, but i mostly just had to get it out, and am far to embarrassed to talk to anyone IRL even my partner about all of this, im just too scared people will think im disgusting.

Also, if this is poor posting etiquette please let me know, i have barely ever used reddit.