Hello, I'm 23F, bisexual, and I've recently decided that I'm ready to start dating women again. Just for context, I'm polyamorous and looking for a Vee Poly relationship. My husband and I have been talking about this eventually happening for years now (since we were dating) and I'm finally in a place to try for it.
The only thing is I'm still a bit nervous to try dating apps, so I opted for a more slow paced experience. I decided to join some bi/lesbian Discord servers and meet women that way. Very important note, but I'm veryyy interested in a strong mental connection with my partners. I always have been. The anonymous aspect of Discord was intriguing to me for this reason. In this case, I can be sure that people aren't just texting me out of physical attraction. I could get to know someone and make sure we're a good mental match first. Then once the mental box is checked and our personalities align, we just reveal our faces and take things to the next level, right???
WRONG. This has not been the case for me. It's disappointing to admit that because I've met some nice girls who I've really vibed with. I even go as far as taking things slow and trying to get to know them before flirting up a storm. However, they will flirt with me first mid conversation and... well I fall for it and engage. Maybe they're the one?! The thing is I'm not trying to get my feelings too involved and just see them as friends first, but when the chemistry seems to be there, I want them to know that I'm interested. If I don't flirt back, then they won't know I'm actually (maybe) interested.
So here's how it goes in my experience: we text daily and get to know each other. We hit it off pretty good and start flirting a bit. Next thing you know, the conversations become more intimate and soul searching (I like to get deep, shamelessly). There's mutual excitement about our situation. We decide it's time to trade pictures and thennnnnn... I am not physically attracted to them.
Now hear me out, that doesn't mean I don't find them attractive at all, but I have not met someone who's my physical type yet. Fortunately in my case, they're always telling me how attractive I am to them. This is nice but even with the mental attraction there, I can't see myself even so much as daydreaming about someone that I'm not physically attracted to. It's just not gonna happen. On top of that, these women have been great to talk to and would be great friends, but I can't just comfortably flip the switch and stop flirting without distancing myself a bit. At least long enough to get over the disappointment.
I don't think my standards are THAT high. I'm just being honest. Also sure, it's not like I've spoken to every single woman in the servers. That's the thing tho, I don't want to just find someone attractive that I don't click with mentally. At least knowing I click with someone mentally first gives me more peace of mind. There's nothing more distracting than a pretty face with no personality. You waste all your time trying to get to know someone because of their looks alone only to realize you have nothing to really connect on. I don't wanna do that!
Anyways, I need some advice on what I should do about this situation. Is there another platform that you guys suggest to get to know other queer women? I just don't want to get on a dating app and be strung into dates because I'm not ready for all that yet. I just want to talk to someone on the phone and get to know them that way before we start going on dates and all. It's just that I fall kinda fast for someone I really vibe with if my intention is to be romantically involved with them. I don't wanna keep falling for someone and then have the fantasy ripped away so abruptly. Hopefully you guys can share some wisdom!
P.S. I know looks aren't everything BELIEVE me I know. I appreciate substance more than most, but... come on. Be human with me for a second, please? Lol thanks in advance!