Waking up to this
I am a 30-year-old man, and I’ve realized that I have been living with a bad eating disorder that’s only getting worse.
I’ve been seeing this wonderful new girl for the past few months. This weekend, after spending time with her family, she expressed concern to me that I may have an eating disorder.
I think it’s something I already knew, but I don’t know how to get help.
Food has always been hard for me. I grew up in a fend-for-yourself type of environment, so I always had periods of binging or feeling like food wasn’t quite right for me. Being hungry passes, being full passes it was just a state of time.
I have times when the thought of food repulses me. No matter the meal, I’ll look at it and just see a paste that ends up swirling around and upsetting my stomach. I can chew and chew but not eat.
It’s been that way for as long as I can remember, and as a man living alone, it was easy to avoid dealing with it. On days when I’m hungry, I’ll cook a 16-ounce steak and wash it down with a loaf of bread, some grilled vegetables, and maybe a slice of pizza for good measure. There are just times when I want it all, and there are times when I want nothing—when even some bread with butter or a slice of pizza feels like the kind of horrifying paste you see in fast-food “How It’s Made” videos, and no amount of chewing will keep the food down.
For most of my life, I’ve been at peace with this. I avoided eating with friends, kept a healthy enough weight, and never really noticed the downswing.
Now I’ve been seeing this girl, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. She’s so great, and I am so happy around her. But she told me she’s concerned about how I handle food—that, to her, there are days when I seem manic and will eat anything, and there are days when she worries I’m exhausted because I’ve gone too long without eating.
For me, it has always felt normal. There are times when I feel completely out of gas, but nothing will stay down. I chew and chew and end up spitting it back out. There are other days when I can’t get enough. But being with her and seeing her stress about this has made me realize that it isn’t normal, and that it has made it hard for me to live my life at times, and that I am not treating my body well.
I need help, but I don’t even know where to start.