I'm sad tonight. A lot is going on, a lot feels out of control. No matter what happens in life, my ED is the one constant that makes me feel safe. I don't feel good about this, but it is what it is. I feel invisible so I want to be invisible again.
.I just need to put this somewhere. Please forgive any typos I'm wearing these new fuckass nails and it's impossible to type on my phone with them. Thank God for autospell.
Context isn't really needed I guess. Couple decades of disordered bs. Handful of inpatient stays, little bit of therapy outside of that here and there, nothing effective. Spent my 20s and early 30s maintaining a very low bmi, because i feel deformed and monstrous at a healthy bmi. Crippled physcally and financially due to strict ocd based binge purge cycles. Very deep hole to pull myself out of.
It's been difficult holding down a job through all of it, so I've bounced around a lot and my insurance coverage has been spotty. I've finally settled at a very good place of employment with good people, good pay, and a safe environment. In 2 weeks I'll qualify for insurance again.
I'm in an interesting spot existentially. From autumn 2025 to maybe March 2026 I had one of the more substantial recovery attempts I've ever had. It was on my own, just using anad and edanon meetings on zoom, recovery podcasts, and support from my partner. He is as well versed in my issues as anyone can be without experiencing them first hand, and os 4 years clean of a 15 year drug addiction. While his issues don't entirely align with mine, he is capable of offering support and empathy unparalleled by anyone else in my life and i am truly blessed to have him to lean on sometimes. Which isn't to say I put everything on him - I do understand there needs to be a boundary.
I started this new job and immediately relapsed. Fell back into the restriction/ bp cycle, lost a good chunk of the recovery weight, but im still far heavier than I have been the majority of my adult life. This makes it hard to admit the following.
I'm burnt out. I'm done and I've been done. Every day for the past month when I've used behaviors I think to myself, "I don't want to do this, i have all the tools i need to NOT do this, and yet here I am doing it." And I do it because I'm scared. Because not doing it would leave me swollen and bloated from lack of purging, because not restricting would make me swollen and bloated too. Even if im not eating weight gain amounts, I will gain weight from cessation of behaviors alone. And that's terrifying. And what if I can't stop the behaviors ultimately anyway? What if I gain weight from horrible and uncontrollable binge eating like I did last time, rather than normal structured eating? And so it goes. Fear keeps me sick. Fear of my own track record.
But every day I wonder why this is so important to me. Boyfriend likes to gently remind me that my thinking and logic around it all is warped and I need to trust that it will eventually unwarp if I give it time in recovery.
I want to be a woman who reads. I want to be a woman who cooks. I want to be a woman who garden's, who goes to the gym, who goes on fun trips, who gets married.
So I ate dinner last night and kept it down. I ate and kept it down Saturday too. I still purged both days earlier in the day, but im not going to do that today.
I don't have all the tools i need but I have enough. In a couple weeks I'll look into getting a regular talk therapist, just as another tool. Maybe medication. I've got a prozac script I've been sitting on, im afraid to take it because of the heartburn it might cause. Again, fear.
I have so much to tackle. But I think part of why I've been struggling so loudly these past few weeks is I am, actually, done. And every second I'm participating in the ED, half my brain is screaming and rattling the cage.
Just had to get this out somewhere. Thanks if you read it. Chances are I'll be back to posting about weight gain regret and behaviors in like 24 hours. We'll find out I guess.
Update: Only took 4 hours. I've lost all motivation. I want nothing more than to just go home, binge/purge, go to bed and go back to restricting tomorrow.
Does anyone else here have lipedema and just cannot get over the fact that this is your reality? And also have no one take it seriously because you’re not overweight (hell, it’s hard to be taken seriously even if someone is overweight with lipedema). I am having massive pitting edema and I just can’t deal. I need this taken care of and I’ve considered surgery for 10 years now but I also am afraid to make anything worse than it already is. I’ve already had vascular surgery and that helped some, but things are worsening again as I’m 42.
I am struggling with self image currently. I usually fluctuate enough to where the same pants of mine are loose or are too tight (I don’t weigh myself anymore because it triggers me, so I go with how my clothes fit and how I look in photos). I only have like 3 pairs of pants, two of which are tailored for my body so they actually have some give for fluctuating. Anyways, I’ve been on the end of barely fitting my pants and thinking that I need to lose weight but am now getting massive cravings for dairy and sugar because of this mindset. Dairy is my kryptonite especially because Im lactose intolerant and it makes me swell up, but I crave it. I ate myself sick the last couple of nights, and I’m wondering if anyone has tips on how to get out of a binge?
Something I'm noticing more and more over the last few weeks....
I'm fully aware that starvation strips a lot of us of our ability to regulate emotionally - for me it generally manifests through my anxiety and OCD. Those two conditions increase exponentially when I'm restricting heavily.
However, through the decades I've always been able to keep a lid on most of the mood swings in regards to how they land on others. I've been able to present relatively normally.
Maybe it's because the weight loss is so slow this relapse, despite the lengths I'm going to to lose it, maybe it's just that I'm burnt out cognitively from so many years of this bullshit, maybe it's because this relapse specifically feels like it's happening to me, rather than by me.....but I'm losing it. Genuinely. I'm irritated as fuck by the tiniest things, sometimes by nothing at all. For example, I was on my way home from work the other day and I was just SO angry. Seething. Simply because my Pandora undownloaded some songs. My rage was wildly disproportionate with the actual issue.
It all came to a head so to speak yesterday when my boyfriend wanted to come over. It's difficult for me to hang out with him on weeknights, because delays my routine of ED behaviors in the evenings and thus cuts into the amount of sleep I get. But I always say yes when he asks, even when I genuinely don't want to.
He got there and asked to go for a walk. That set me over the edge. I was so tired and burnt out and I could not keep any semblance of a poker face. I threw a little bitch fit and he handled it kindly and well, but that is not appropriate behavior on my part and not at all fair to him.
Emotional overflow like that is becoming more and more difficult to control all of a sudden and I need to nix it asap, but I don't know how. I value my relationship more than basically anything and I'm terrified I'm going to push him away. He's only human and can only put up with so much for so long.
I guess I'm asking if this is a thing for anyone else. I know there's no real solution for it other than better self control, but in those moments self control is the one thing I do not have. I can't make sense of it.
My partner, who I have been with since 2014 except for a weird period in 2022, gave me an ultimatum. Basically go to residential and gain a bunch of weight or we're done; he basically said I love you but I can't do this. Right now I am on FMLA to do virtual treatment (Equip) and ECT.
I seriously regret doing this. I am mentally worse off, although physically better, and I certainly don't want to exhaust more FMLA because I feel bad about it already. I'm so mad at myself for attempting this; I can almost tolerate the weight I have gained but couldn't imagine gaining more, and I'm definitely still not at a healthy weight.
I don't know what to do. It would be ridiculous to lose a 12 year relationship (of which we've lived 8 years in our house) over an eating disorder. That isn't making this any easier. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Does anyone have any idea what to do??
Not looking for medical advice; seeing if anyone has been in a similar place.
I have had anorexia for more than half of my life. I have been to multiple residential treatment programs over the years, never finding a great amount of success and each one contributing to significant treatment trauma.
I have always worked with an outpatient team as well... The problem is, I have never had success in recovery outpatient, either. I am once again in a place where my weight and health are in a precarious position. I am not currently working due to my disorder, but I want to go back so badly (and they want me back asap).
My most recent residential attempt lasted less than one day and caused an intense trauma reaction that I have never experienced before.
I am back to square one. I have exhausted all feasible residential options (geographically speaking). I don't WANT to be in residential treatment, obviously, but I question if I could actually make progress outpatient (which I have never successfully done before). I have plenty of outpatient support. Anyone been in a similar position? TIA.
Things have gotten bad. ER visits, chest pain, dizziness.. and today I went to see my Dr for a horrible migraine that won't go away. They gave me an injection for it and I passed out during the injection. I sat there for a while after and thought I was better, then proceeded to black out 5 or 6 times in the parking lot trying to get to my car. I eventually gave up and had to go back inside to get checked out again. I was told it was a vasovagal response and it was realy bad because of undernutrition and dehydration. My heart is struggling, I need to recover. I ate actual meals after this today. I'm going to choose to eat tomorrow. Not just yogurt and berries, actual meals. I texted therapist and told him everything that happened so I can't brush it off. We have an appointment tomorrow. Things feel like they got really serious all of a sudden.
I just need to share what I’m dealing with because I am feeling very alone. I am 33 y/o and have been dealing with this since I was about 18/19. Two summers ago I got salmonella poisoning pretty bad, and around that time i was approaching a decent relationship with my body…still not perfect but I was trying. (not restricting everyday) I met the absolute love of my life that summer, and gained two step kids for a total of three kiddos between us. When I got salmonella, I lost weight FAST. It last over three months and ended with c-diff from the various antibiotics used to try and mitigate the situation. While losing the weight, even though I felt miserable and tired constantly, it awakened my ED all over again. After healing from the infections, I gained all my weight back and then some. I have been trying so hard to make the “right choices” and eat healthy, full meals and do weight training. The gym has always been a hard place for me because it usually leads back to ED patterns eventually but this time I’ve last four months and thought I was doing okay.
Fast forward to now, I saw photos of myself from a wedding I was in and also another event my partner and I attended and am now starting to panic like my original ED days. I feel like I would rather not exist than be the size I am. None of my clothes fit me properly, and I’ve been experiencing foot pain every day for months. So my brain tells me that dieting again is the only option. To deal with the pain of my feet, and the mental gymnastics that I have to do to just exist in this form. I talked to my partner about my feelings of body insecurity and she suggested that maybe I start seeing a personal trainer. This pretty much solidified my horrid feelings that I am out of control size wise.
I’m so tired of relapsing and having my weight yo-yo every time, but I’m also starting to wonder if maybe this is just what existing means for someone like me. I’ve never been to inpatient for my ED, although been to inpatient for other MH reasons. No matter how many times or how long I make the “right” or “healthy” choices for, it just doesn’t go away. I wish I didn’t even have a body most days.
TLDR: I just need to be heard by someone who understands. I’m feeling very alone in this right now. :(
My SO and I are finally able to join my family for beach vacation for the first time since 2010. I'm really freaking out, because I was already stressed out about navigating food and body images issues, as most of us are on vacation (and in general), but I also had an unexpected dental molar extraction a handful of days ago, and it's still gonna take a while to recover fully, and we leave for the beach in a few days.
So, I've been working with my dietitian to try to plan things that will be doable, but I've been in a standstill for the past week, because so many of the things that are my go to staples are not doable due to the dental issues, and the things I've been having here at home, aren't very doable at the beach/in an Airbnb.
Does anyone have any suggestions for foods to eat at the beach/on vacation that are minimal to no prep, are possible to eat when chewing and harder foods aren't options, and that lessen GI distress and bloating overall.
I know that last point can be highly variable because we all have different health stuff going on in addition to this disorder, so I'm just trying to find things that anyone might have experience with being fairly easily digestible and maybe pretty condensed nutrient and energy wise, so volume eating doesn't screw me over with body image.
For an idea of what I've been having at home:
I have my oatmeal recipe dialed the fuck in. But I can't make it the same way on vacation, so that's stressing me out. I have it every morning, and I've been having it 2-3 times a day with this dental stuff.
I've been eating instant mashed potatoes but won't have easy access to a microwave (and those are hard in hot weather, too)
I have a lot of low cal ice cream I've been having, as well as hot cocoa with whipped cream, and also have plain pasta with butter because my autistic ass could eat butter noodles every day, but also not super convenient for the beach.
I have uncrustables that could be doable and can be kept in my cooler, but does anyone have any other suggestions? I don't eat meat, but can eat dairy/eggs if needed. Thought eggs also cause a lot of digestive issues, so they're chance-y.
so hypothetically if a bag full of.. something.. burned through the plastic and leaked all over the floor of your car and then sat in the sun and baked while you worked a 24 hour shift, how would you clean that up and get rid of the smell? Hypothetically of course. This totally didn’t happen to me
It has recently occurred to me that another aspect to my own eating disorder is connected to anger.
I absorbed anger from a dysregulated, traumatized, angry parent (emotional anger, physical anger, sexual abuse).
On top of this I have my own anger around the things I experienced. Because I feel the need to contain the Trauma and anger. I isolate, starve and engage in my ED. These levels of anger feel incredibly toxic and in a way it’s partly connected to my eating disorder, eating me alive.
Both Trauma and anger are contained in the body and the eating disorder is attempting to erase and erode these feelings and symptoms.
Everything is extremely difficult. I am also angry that my eating disorder isn’t working like it used to. (In the past it had dissociated and numbed me out to everything.) And now it’s failing to provide the same level of relief.
I haven’t been able to completely push myself over the line back into the same level of Anorexia that I had in the past. If I do this, I will have relief again but I won’t be able to think anymore. I will lose access to the little bit of my mind that I currently have.
I’m trying to hold on but I don’t think I can go through any more horrible physical flashbacks.
(Got triggered and recently had a horrible physical flashback of sexual abuse that has left me feeling completely fried.)
I don’t want to feel anything anymore but I can’t push myself back over the edge for relief either.
Don’t know what to do. But I now know why people use substances. If anyone had experienced the same horrible, physical flashbacks and pain that I experienced. I completely understand why they would want to do anything to make the pain go away.
Anything to keep this hell at bay and away from your conscience, lived re-experiencing.
Last night I was looking at photos from an outing we had with our toddler son. There was a photo of my son and I was in the distance in the far corner of the frame (I was wearing shorts). My legs looked enormous and disgusting.
Shocked, I showed my husband the photo and asked if that’s what I really looked like. He said no not at all… and that the photo is distorted because I’m so near the edge of the frame. I was relieved to hear that. I told him that I’ve seen lots of pictures of myself like this (pictures taken by others) and it drives me crazy and that’s why I hate my body and I’m always trying to lose weight. He says, “well you shouldn’t have eaten that whole cookie then”.
Hearing him say that made my heart drop and tears well up. I was angry, devastated, and he had no clue. I sat there a moment steaming and finally muttered, “don’t ever say anything about what I eat again”. I didn’t speak the rest of the night and went to bed early.
He has no idea how much his comment hurt me. What kills me is he knows I have a history with severe restriction and being underweight and binge eating. I can’t bring myself to eat anything and haven’t eaten today. Any time I think of having something… his comment blares in my mind and I’m too disgusted with myself to eat. Every time I consider eating I cry. I hate myself so much.
I’m considered a healthy bmi with my weight putting me slightly on the low end of the healthy range. Family and friends always tell me how small and thin I am but I know they’re wrong
Relapsing and been restricting pretty hard. I'm so overwhelmed, tired, dizzy and cannot concentrate on top of my already poor focus from ADHD. I'm tired of it. Even with the boost of weight loss I'm just drained.
I have had so many thoughts about just getting back on track with recovery, positive thoughts, positive ideas but I cannot seem to actually start. As soon as it comes to it there's no motivation in me to actually eat. I don't know how to make the move from having all the thoughts about recovery to actually following the meal plan properly. How do you keep going with it?
Hi all,
I’ve been in a harm reduction phase of recovery for some time now. I used to use a food scale and track food religiously, but I let that go a few years ago with the exception of recovery record (which I NEVER thought would be possible).
I’ve been introducing the food scale and tracking again, and I know I should process it in therapy, but I feel like drawing attention to it makes me look like a “fraud”. I also think that the tracking makes eating overall easier/less stressful, so it feels beneficial in that way. Idk what I’m looking for, I’m just tired of all of this.