r/Eatingdisordersover30

I'm in my 40s and trying to work on my relationship with food after years of struggling with it. I really wish that I'd dealt with this sooner, but another part of me knows I wasn't ready to acknowledge it before. I regret not doing something at my early stage and I hope that maybe I can ease it at this age.

For anyone who started recovery in their 30s or later, what was your experience like? Did you feel like you were starting "too late"?

I was my all-time lowest weight in April of this year. I felt lean, beautiful, divine, and was happy to be intimate with my then-new partner for the first time.

I was thinner in April than I first was with an ED in high school.

I’ve gained a significant percent of my body weight since then (compared to my lowest weight, I mean).

Very little is muscle, it is mostly fat.

I feel grief and I feel trapped in my body.

It is so much easier to gain back fat than it is to lose the last of it.

It took months and months of consistency and restriction to reach my perfect thin body.

I am frustrated because objectively, my life is improving now, after having escaped almost a decade of abuse with a former partner last year, and experiencing the drawn-out death of my immediate family member in late March of this year.

I’ve been consuming food in a leisure way. Eating for fun, going out, eating other people’s cooking. Eating foods I craved, like PB&J sandwiches.

I have less of a tolerance for my own misery and restriction than I used to have.

I’ve had a taste of a better life and I’m too fucking stupid and sick in the head to just embrace it.

Hey Everyone,

The time has come to ask for your input as to how we handle discussions surrounding GLP 1s. Basically, this is a grey area in the ED world. Do we heavily censor the topic as being pro-ED? Do we allow free commentary/discussions?

At the moment, I feel it's dangerous to allow people to recommend it as a fix/cure for their ED and to pass that information along as "helpful". I've been removing those posts because none of us knows the history or situation of any one individual. While it may legitimately help one ED sufferer, it would be lethal in the hands of others. Purely from a protecting the group standpoint, I made a rule banning this kind of suggestion. (I think a case could be made it also falls under pro-ED or weight loss advice).

How would you like the topic moderated? An example that comes up: someone here was recommended a GLP 1 by their Doctor, and they're upset about it. Do we want these posts to stand? The risk of course, will be the incoming comments of "Hey, I'm on one and love it". Similar vent posts are just about the ubiquitous nature of them..do we just let people vent? Do we allow people to say they are taking them illicitly and vent about that?

Would a "GLP 1" trigger tag be helpful/worthless? I'm not sure how best to navigate the topic. I don't want to become the censor police but want to honor the overall wishes of people here. Any input is welcome-thank you!

Do your in-laws know? Do they ask about your weird behaviors? Do they worry? Mine are getting concerned about my weight loss but don't know my ED history. Right now they just think I'm taking postpartum weight loss too far but they definitely notice my food habits. It's hard too because food is very culturally important. How do you all navigate this?

I’m 33F, I have a husband, two dogs, a house, I have a PhD and I’m successful in my field but I feel so much shame and embarrassment that this disorder is what I’ve decided to focus my energy on. For the last decade this has been operating in the background and I’ve been so selfish to think I’m not hurting anyone but myself.

I’m ashamed that I know my husband worries about if I’ve eaten today and I still lie and throw away the food he brings me.

I’m ashamed that my mother has noticed and is now worried and when she tries to understand I am unkind and say things to make her think she is a bad mother.

I’m ashamed that I think I need to go to treatment. I’m ashamed that I would have to ask for a medical leave of absence. I’m ashamed that my coworkers will likely know why. I’m ashamed that I can’t just eat and be normal. I’m ashamed that I don’t even understand why I’m doing this to myself and I can’t just stop.

I’m already sorry in advance for what will probably be a huge vent, but I feel like I need to talk, and I don’t really have anywhere else to do it.

I’ve had an ED for around 20 years (34F). It’s always been a sort of crutch that accompanied me and “helped” me cope with always feeling out of place. I also recently discovered that I’m on the spectrum.
I’m now trying to make the decision to recover, with all the anxiety that comes with it. I’m not UW, but I want to go all in, etc.

The problem is that I’m alone. I’m seeing my therapist, and until a month ago I was also seeing a psychiatrist (I stopped seeing him after taking a medication that ended up sending me to the hospital, and I’m still dealing with the aftermath).
I’ve always struggled with severe depression, and now (perhaps also because of the idea of recovery ) I’m going through an absolutely awful period where I have an anxiety and anguish that I can’t even put into words, and I cry every single day.

What I keep wondering is: if I’ve always struggled with depression and I’ve always been alone, and still am, how am I supposed to start recovery?
I mean, not just in the practical sense, although that’s also a problem after so many years, but how am I supposed to do it without having anyone by my side?
I feel like anxiety is eating me alive, and all I want is to have someone beside me telling me that I’m doing okay and that they care about me, as pathetic as that may sound.
And even if I did manage to start recovery, what would actually change if depression is simply a part of me?
I know people might tell me to take classes or join activities to meet people, but those are all things I’ve already tried, and at this point my mental energy is at an all-time low. I’ve also started looking into finding a pen pal or two, but these are all things that don’t really have any meaningful impact on me.

I’m sorry. I know there probably aren’t any real answers to this. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has experience with depression that has lasted this long, and whether anything ever changed for you.
Because the truth is, I feel more alone than I ever have, and it’s eating me up inside.
Thank you so much for listening.

Title, basically. I'm so far in it I've completely lost any concept of "end" or "goal." It used to be I relapsed because I wanted to be thinner. Ok, cool, got thinner. Then I kept it up because I wanted to feel safe when I decided to eat a little again....I was losing weight to create a cushion for when I decided to "ease up." Great, not unusual. Then I got to a weight I haven't seen in a while and I didn't want to immediately give it up. Right on, fair enough. Etc etc. For a while there was something every week that I had to keep the weight loss going for - not even to be thin, just to keep my body and mind in check so I could physically get through whatever function or appointment or responsibility it was. But now there aren't any more reasons. I've run out.

Now I'm just....in it to be in it. I don't like how I look, it's embarrassing. I don't like how my boyfriend looks at me or touches me - he body checks me as we watch TV. Not maliciously, and he tries not to be obvious. But it's not caressing, or petting, it's feeling. Feeling for edges and gaps and "how much has she lost since the last I saw her" kind of checking.

My mom cried yesterday. She sat across the table and cried because she said she has to watch me die. She can't separate herself from me like she did her mom and dad before they passed.

I hate using the bulimic behaviors every day. It's a routine that is very strict and I crave the first hour of it, but the rest is hell. The rest terrifies me.

My future in this disorder terrifies me. I'm 33. I don't want to be 40 or 50 or 60, emaciated, binging, vomiting. I want to be a woman with a partner and a life who cooks and gardens and reads and has interests. The problem is, I don't think even recovery will make that possible for me. I've tried before, many times. All recovery leads to for me is binge eating and a fat body and the inability to leave the house out of shame.

I'm not just addicted to the weight loss, although that's a huge factor. If I don't see that number go down every day, it's a bad day.

I'm also addicted to malnutrition. I'm addicted to my obsession with food content - tiktoks showing recipes, wieiad, "food porn" (nothing sexual, just photos of food), etc. It itches my brain in the best way. I hunker down with my phone at my desk and it gets me through the tough or slow moments at work. It would be a huge loss to gain weight and suddenly not find any of that so enamouring. It's one of the only coping skills I have.

I'm addicted to the exhaustion and the peculiar pain of not having enough fat on the bottom of my feet anymore. I'm addicted to the bruises that appear from nothing and the big vein that has been uncovered running down my left upper arm. Thats not there when I'm heavier.

I don't like how I look but I'm also convinced it's better than any alternative. Striking shock and concern is better than inspiring disgust or being off putting in appearance, which is what my body would be if I were healthier.

Idk. Round and round it goes. I keep saying I have to make changes, I have to stop, I have to get healthier. I want to get healthier, I want to eat, I want to rest. I want to do things like get ice cream with the man i love and have dinner with my mom. I dont want her to die and have this be all she ever knows of me. It's just that the reality of those last things isn't nearly as rose tinted as the concept of them are. The reality of healthy is sitting in silence and boredom and self disgust for hours in the evening, with an over full stomach that makes me want to rip my skin off and fling it out the window.

Idk how to fix any of this.

Struggled with anorexia off and on since i was 13, really bad time with it in my late 20s. Now I'm 34.

Had some minor surgery 6 weeks ago, toenail removal on both feet. Lost the ability to walk much and hit the gym. Noticed a shift in how I felt in my body, how it looked.

I've been back at the gym for 2 weeks now and feeling horrible, like weak and not able to do anything. It's amplifying how I feel.

Gross and ugly and disgusting and... Big.

I chose to try and recover in 2020 summer, and I feel like for a long time I wasn't bothered by these kinds of thoughts anymore. Activity was my driving force. But since having that stripped away temporarily I feel so gross. I don't know what else to do to feel better in myself and it seems like the only option I have left now.

I don't know, I just feel alone and afraid and like I was right the first time round when I had anorexia. What I traded it for doesn't work anymore. It hurts.

So I don’t know if I’m looking for an advice or just to vent … I have been in recovery for 2.5 years (I’m a F and almost 40 y.o.). Gained enormous amount of weight in recovery and now my BMI is in the obese range. But that’s not even the biggest issue … the biggest issue is that I just went for my annual check up and ALL of my bloodwork is worse than it was a year ago. I now have high blood pressure, even higher cholesterol (than it was a year ago), higher A1C. And that’s despite the fact that I’ve been regularly going to gym and lifting heavy. And just for context: I was pretty slim my entire life and never had any abnormal bloodwork before).
Boy do I feel lost 😭 … my doctor is concerned about my health and recommends that I go on GLP-1s. I just don’t know how to reconcile everything that I’ve been told by mental health professionals… I thought recovery was supposed to make us feel better, I thought that this was supposed to improve my health … ugh so frustrating. Any advice or recommendation would be greatly appreciated. 😔

I am a 30-year-old man, and I’ve realized that I have been living with a bad eating disorder that’s only getting worse.

I’ve been seeing this wonderful new girl for the past few months. This weekend, after spending time with her family, she expressed concern to me that I may have an eating disorder.

I think it’s something I already knew, but I don’t know how to get help.

Food has always been hard for me. I grew up in a fend-for-yourself type of environment, so I always had periods of binging or feeling like food wasn’t quite right for me. Being hungry passes, being full passes it was just a state of time.

I have times when the thought of food repulses me. No matter the meal, I’ll look at it and just see a paste that ends up swirling around and upsetting my stomach. I can chew and chew but not eat.

It’s been that way for as long as I can remember, and as a man living alone, it was easy to avoid dealing with it. On days when I’m hungry, I’ll cook a 16-ounce steak and wash it down with a loaf of bread, some grilled vegetables, and maybe a slice of pizza for good measure. There are just times when I want it all, and there are times when I want nothing—when even some bread with butter or a slice of pizza feels like the kind of horrifying paste you see in fast-food “How It’s Made” videos, and no amount of chewing will keep the food down.

For most of my life, I’ve been at peace with this. I avoided eating with friends, kept a healthy enough weight, and never really noticed the downswing.
Now I’ve been seeing this girl, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. She’s so great, and I am so happy around her. But she told me she’s concerned about how I handle food—that, to her, there are days when I seem manic and will eat anything, and there are days when she worries I’m exhausted because I’ve gone too long without eating.

For me, it has always felt normal. There are times when I feel completely out of gas, but nothing will stay down. I chew and chew and end up spitting it back out. There are other days when I can’t get enough. But being with her and seeing her stress about this has made me realize that it isn’t normal, and that it has made it hard for me to live my life at times, and that I am not treating my body well.

I need help, but I don’t even know where to start.

I turned 43 in June. I've been experiencing super high heart rate and some other related symptoms. I had an ecg done by my Dr which came back abnormal, so she referred me to a cardiologist for further testing and care.

I'm in the waiting room for my first appointment this am and I am the youngest patient by A LOT. It's a rude awakening. My Dr has been telling me for years how risky my behavior was, I have been in and out of treatment and hospitals but I've always been ok...and suddenly it's catching up on me. When I'm really not so old.

It will catch up to you too, even if it never feels like it will.

Just wondering for those with kids old enough to notice how you navigate your Ed around them? Do they know or notice anything?

It's so sad to actually put it in words but I've had some sort of eating disorder for over half my life. Starting with restricting in high school , graduated to bulimia in college and now at 42 full blown bulimia and excessive exercise.

I honestly don't even feel like I am an adult even though I have a spouse, a teenager, a full time job, a home.......does that make sense? Well nothing with this disease makes sense I guess.

I’m 33F and have a younger sister 27F. We used to be close but in the past 6 years or so we’ve drifted apart. She’s struggling herself with substance abuse, it’s only weed as she likes to point out but I genuinely don’t believe weed is as harmless as she claims. She’s high all day, irritable, lashes out when she doesn’t get her way. It pains me to see her harm herself and I do see the parallels in my own self harm with restrictive eating.

Last week we got into it, she’s staying with me and I set some boundaries around weed in the house. She did not like being told what to do and I reached out to my parents for advice hoping they would be able to help me. She hated that I spoke to them about this even more. She was livid and at one point came right at me and said

“at least I have meat on my bones”

She’s not wrong. It didn’t even bother me she said that, it bothered me that I’m not hiding this as well as I thought I was. Everyone around me sees it.

I’m in therapy and I’ve been considering a more intensive treatment option but I always tell myself not yet, I’m not sick enough. I’m successful in my career, I have a family, I’m responsible. I’m barely even underweight they’ll probably turn me away. My ED is so confusing to me. It runs silently in the background. I don’t even notice it working until the end of the day and my partner asks me what I’ve eaten.

My sister and I are the same. We both don’t want to acknowledge our issues. We both don’t want to get better. We both don’t think we’re sick enough. No one can help us until we want to help ourselves.

This post will be controversial but I want to share my experience with this and hope you won’t bury me.

I have anorexia BP subtype and my struggle with it has become progressively worse over the past couple years. For the past year I have not been able to keep down any food despite my best efforts. Anything I’d eat would trigger a B/P episode. It was taking a toll on every aspect of my life. I was a maniac, my head was fuzzy, I couldn’t concentrate on work, I was bleeding money which was giving me immense stress.

I have been reading about GLP-1s and how the obsessive thinking and food noise quiets down. I was really at the end of my rope and was willing to do anything to be able to eat and have a quiet brain. I did this for harm reduction, my intention to use this was never to lose weight and never to starve myself - it was to eat.

I live in a place where you don’t need a prescription to get your hands on the injections so I got it and tried it a little over a week ago. From the first day it was as if I was a different person. I ate, without thinking about it. I ate even when I wasn’t feeling hungry because I thought “it is time to eat, I should eat something” even if I’m not starving. And I made good choices, without effort and without overthinking and without the noise in my brain double guessing everything and agonizing me.

It’s as if I have a different brain or my brain is finally mine again. I can’t tell you how free I feel.

I am sharing this because I hope this finds understanding. I know the medication is not intended to be used by an underweight person. I know this can not be forever. But I was at the end of my rope and I was desperate to just be able to eat and keep it down. I was going absolutely insane and I was in so much mental pain.

BUT I have to say, intention matters. I did this and am doing this BECAUSE I want to EAT and because I couldn’t do it without it. I weighed the options and the benefits of this right now are worth it for me because I was doing incredible damage before.

I hope the post can stay up and I hope you won’t judge me for this.

I haven’t been looking forward to my therapy sessions at all lately. I know you’re not really supposed to, haha. but it was really helpful when I first transitioned to outpatient. Now, I am not seeing much progress. I only see my dietician once a month now but my therapist weekly. My therapist is very formal with zero disclosure and I sometimes wish I had more rapport with the person I’ve been talking to for a year. I had bad experiences with therapy inpatient so I don’t know if I want to switch, though. Could it be I’m dealing with treatment burnout? Does this sound like normal resistance or should I look for someone new?

A couple of years ago, my partner triggered me back into an eating disorder after 14 years of recovery. I have managed things so far but it has gotten worse recently.

I don’t feel I can talk to friends or family. I have a therapist but it feels so lonely to live this reality alone. I am worried that people who “care about” me won’t have the emotional space for me or might think im trauma dumping.

the truth is I just need to
share with people who are around me, so they know why I’m easily triggered and emotionally dysregulated all the time. I want to be seen and understood but I know that won’t happen

Part of why I was so entrenched in my ED for so long was because it made me pretty invisible to men. I was going through a rough patch with my husband and I didn’t want him to have any reason to be attracted to me. I was pretty ok with just being invisible and living in my own world and not caring about anything other than work and my ED.

Now I’m in recovery, not fully there yet, but I’ve gained some weight and my hips and butt and boobs are starting to come back. And so have the men. Including my husband, which is I guess ok, but I just hate that as a woman in a STEM field, I’m not taken seriously. I feel like I’m only being valued for my body, which makes me so effing sad. Can anyone relate? I feel so much better now, but it’s so hard to just live my life and ignore the attention.