u/Affectionateweasel

I’m 33F, I have a husband, two dogs, a house, I have a PhD and I’m successful in my field but I feel so much shame and embarrassment that this disorder is what I’ve decided to focus my energy on. For the last decade this has been operating in the background and I’ve been so selfish to think I’m not hurting anyone but myself.

I’m ashamed that I know my husband worries about if I’ve eaten today and I still lie and throw away the food he brings me.

I’m ashamed that my mother has noticed and is now worried and when she tries to understand I am unkind and say things to make her think she is a bad mother.

I’m ashamed that I think I need to go to treatment. I’m ashamed that I would have to ask for a medical leave of absence. I’m ashamed that my coworkers will likely know why. I’m ashamed that I can’t just eat and be normal. I’m ashamed that I don’t even understand why I’m doing this to myself and I can’t just stop.

I’m 33F and have a younger sister 27F. We used to be close but in the past 6 years or so we’ve drifted apart. She’s struggling herself with substance abuse, it’s only weed as she likes to point out but I genuinely don’t believe weed is as harmless as she claims. She’s high all day, irritable, lashes out when she doesn’t get her way. It pains me to see her harm herself and I do see the parallels in my own self harm with restrictive eating.

Last week we got into it, she’s staying with me and I set some boundaries around weed in the house. She did not like being told what to do and I reached out to my parents for advice hoping they would be able to help me. She hated that I spoke to them about this even more. She was livid and at one point came right at me and said

“at least I have meat on my bones”

She’s not wrong. It didn’t even bother me she said that, it bothered me that I’m not hiding this as well as I thought I was. Everyone around me sees it.

I’m in therapy and I’ve been considering a more intensive treatment option but I always tell myself not yet, I’m not sick enough. I’m successful in my career, I have a family, I’m responsible. I’m barely even underweight they’ll probably turn me away. My ED is so confusing to me. It runs silently in the background. I don’t even notice it working until the end of the day and my partner asks me what I’ve eaten.

My sister and I are the same. We both don’t want to acknowledge our issues. We both don’t want to get better. We both don’t think we’re sick enough. No one can help us until we want to help ourselves.

I broke down the other night and told my partner I need help. I don’t want to get into the details but something made it click in my mind that I am not ok. I have not been ok for over a decade. And I need help.

My partner wants to help but I don’t think he can help me. I find it so unfair to even ask him. He shouldn’t be responsible for making sure a 33 year old woman is eating. He also doesn’t really understand this, he seems to think if I just eat more I will feel better and everything will be fine. He keeps bringing me food and telling me to eat it all. He sits next to me making sure I eat everything. I feel like I’m suffocating. I asked for help but this does not feel like help.

I already see a psychiatrist weekly and she knows I’m struggling but I don’t think she’s helping either. This runs so deep in me and it doesn’t even feel like it’s about the food or my weight anymore. I can’t even explain it. All I know is I see how unhealthy I look, I feel unhealthy and I want to be healthy but doing the thing that would make me healthy feels like torture.

I was raised Muslim and same with my partner. We both live in the US and neither of us are religious and both have Arab parents. My parents are much more religious than his but both of our parents are stereotypical Arab parents. We are in our early 30s and want to get married this year. I love my partner and I can’t wait to married to him but I do not want a wedding. I just want to go to the courthouse and get married and have no one else there. I can’t do this though because to my parents there is no marriage without katb kitab. So in my mind a katb kitab is necessary for me to get married (my partner agrees with this, it’s important for both of us to have our parents acceptance).

After weeks of arguing I have finally convinced my parents to just have a small katb kitab with just our immediate families present. Except now I don’t even want to do katb kitab, this has been an awful and miserable time for me and on top of it all I am realizing my parents do not see me as a person with thoughts and feelings. In hindsight, this is all so obvious, I had a very lonely and sad childhood because of them but it took arguing for an hour about me being upset to finally be able to identify why this has been so hard (yes, we were arguing about the fact that I am upset. I was repeating myself over and over “I am upset”)

I really really don’t want a wedding or katb kitab now. I do not want my parents with me on a day I am supposed to be happy. I do not care for their acceptance if they don’t even see me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make them see me now and I am so tired of trying.

I don’t know how I’m going to tell them this. It’s going to be the end of our relationship. I’m grieving the fact we’ve never really had a relationship to begin with too. Part me wants to keep the facade going so I can have them in my life but I also know that if I do that it will only result in a life of silent pain.

I got screamed at for 20 min last night because I do not understand what my bf does for work. Like he actually screamed at me, my ears were ringing once he finally stopped. He went upstairs to bed after and I just sat there in shock. After a while I decided to get up to sleep in the guest room bed and my dog refused to let me go upstairs. So I went back to the couch and she laid right on top of me. That was the moment I realized this is not ok. It’s not normal. I do not deserve this.

He yells at me all the time but this is the first time I feel angry towards him and not angry with myself for “messing” up. I have been so gaslit into thinking I’m the problem when it’s him.

Anyways, I’m leaving him.