u/F0resite

I don't think I'm a good person. I have bad grades, I have no talents other than drawing, and I'm not even any good at that, I'm terrible with money, I can barely talk to people sometimes and when I do I feel like I'm annoying, I feel spoiled, I'm indecisive, I'm ugly, and I'm never able to fix myself and end up wallowing in self pity even though I have loving friends and family. I don't like myself at all, but I refuse to fix myself for the better, or actually commit to the goals I set, but for some reason whenever I cut I feel like a better person. I don't really know why, and I don't even have any mental problems, plus I feel happy sometimes too and it's not a rare occurrence anyway, but I don't really know. I first did it because of intrusive thoughts, and I kept doing it because it kind of felt good (I think I heard that it releases chemicals in your brain or something), but I had to stop recently because someone I knew found out and told me to stop or they would tell other people I know. I've stopped doing it but right now I don't feel the best about myself and I really want to do it again. For some reason whenever I cut I think of myself as a better person, like I know I'm a bad person, so I'm punishing said bad person, but I think that I also do it so I can give myself some self pity, like I have some kind of excuse to be this way. I don't really know tbh. I don't really know what to do and I actually can't stop. I don't really know if I want to even stop, but I'm worried that someone will find out sooner or later. I don't know what to do. I feel really cringe saying this tho and I feel like an attention seeker, but I just wanted to say that.