A partner’s choice hurt
I have been in poly relationships for about a year and I am looking for advice about a situation. My relationship with one of my partners has really grown in the last year. We truly love each other and we each have a nesting partner. She has issues with her nesting partner that causes her overwhelm frequently. As a consequence, we don’t see each other as often as I’d like and sometimes plans change at the last minute because of it. One incident just happened that really hurt and I’m looking for advice on how to handle it.
She and I had a scheduled time to get together for some intimacy which hadn’t happened in a while. It was committed time even though she was being overwhelmed by life. The day before, she decided at the last minute to spend an overnight with another of her partners. As a consequence, when it came time for us to get together she was behind schedule and in overwhelm. She stopped by to say she only had a few minutes. She asked me if I was disappointed and I told her yes. Her response left me feeling like my disappointment was just a natural consequence of her overwhelm situation. She didn’t take any responsibility for inserting discretionary time with her other partner when she had a prior commitment with me that it would likely impact. I felt very hurt but I did not share that with her at the time. I was more focused on providing her with an emotionally safe space to decompress a little. Afterward, I felt hurt and to some degree disrespected or taken advantage of.
I can clearly own my hurt, but my question is how much do I share my hurt with her? In a poly environment are we expected to just be adult about choices our partners make and not feedback the emotional impact of those decisions? In an emotionally intimate relationship I would normally share my feeling just to be emotionally present/connected and not to make them responsible for my hurt. One other piece of information: When we became serious about our relationship, she had a reservation that she did not want to feel responsible for any hurt she might cause me. That was mainly in the context of having to end the relationship due to her nest partner’s request. He has since requested her other relationships end and she told him no. But, her concern of her being responsible for my hurt lurks in the back of my mind anyway. What do you suggest I do with this?