AITA for joking about passing my(M24) Wife’s(F22) test in Medicine to become a Doctor…
Sorry, this is a long-one, but both my wife and I are at an impasse and want to get the opinions of others on it. She’s made her own post on ‘AmIOverreacting’ which I can’t link below for obvious reasons haha.
Okay, some context as I know how it might come across initially: I love My(M24) wife(F22), and I think very highly of her, and -as I’m sure this goes without saying- respect her immensely and of course the fact that she’s studying Medicine and becoming a Doctor. I also firmly believe that I personally cannot even come close to do what she does—I, for better or worse, put her on a pedestal, but I do believe our relationship is healthy regardless. There have been many times when she herself has expressed her own doubts and insecurities regarding her degree and whether she would even pass, and I, without fail, would insist that she will always pass with flying colors. Is that faith misplaced? In my honest opinion, absolutely not. More often than not, she proves me right - she’s great at what she does even if she doesn’t always think so.
With that being said, here’s what happened last night: Many of her tests throughout her degree are multiple choice—which I’ve joked that I found funny because, of course, she’s studying to save lives, and the joke I made was that -theoretically- someone can pass by simply guessing the answers. I’m well-aware of the hard work and effort put into studying to become a doctor, and know that those studies aren’t solely comprised of multiple choice—it’s just this one specific aspect that I joke about amongst everything else that we both obviously take very seriously. This joke I’ve made rarely and otherwise always sing her praises. The joke itself has always been tied to poking fun of it being multiple choice—not s**ting on her area of study, but rather this one aspect of testing methodology.
Then, last night, whilst the mood was still laced with levity, she joked that I should actually try to take one of her tests. We were both laughing throughout the night, joking about the absurd possibility that I may pass. However, she didn’t actually think it was even a possibility, confidently saying with absolute certainty that I will get none right… I by no means even thought that, on the very off-chance that I did pass, does that mean I can do her degree. The humor was in probability: that multiple choice tests can theoretically be passed by guessing. Thus, I did think that, there is still a chance I can still pass just based off pure-luck, which very well could be a flaw in the system, or at least this aspect of it—although again, there’s much more to this degree obviously. The joke wasn’t aimed at her, but was always about the absurdity of luck and probability, especially after we were both joking that I’d get nothing right. Would it be weird to say that maybe her bringing up the mock test in the first place made things worse? To me, that made it clear to me that she too is ‘in on the joke’, alongside her desire to prove me wrong as well. It felt like a ‘dare’, if you will. Still, she didn’t think I could get any right, but decided to bet that I wouldn’t even get 6/10 of a mock test right to prove how absurd this was—which I wasn’t denying, the absurdity was what we found humorous. Then… … I got 7/10. I won the bet.
If I had lost, she would’ve made me shave off my hair (I’ve had long hair for 11 years), and if I won, we’d go Go-Karting the next day.
But now that I’ve won, suddenly, everything changed. Again, she insisted prior that I don’t stand a chance, and as I said, all I’m trying to prove is that multiple choice tests generally CAN be passed by pure luck—not anything to do with her field of study specifically. Another important note is, because of how certain she was that I wouldn’t even get one right, and the amount of laughing and teasing throughout, the fact that I did in fact pass led me to gloating… A LOT. I was very much rubbing it in her face in a very jokey-manner (which she was aware of), and by no means implying that I know anything at all. I mean, throughout the test, we were both mocking me for very clearly not even knowing or being able to pronounce what I’m reading. It was PURE luck, and we made a bet equivalent to (from my POV) whether I’d roll a dice and get a 6 multiple times in a row. It had nothing to do with skill or knowledge—and thus wasn’t as serious to either of us.
Until I actually won. Suddenly, she told me (which she acknowledged she should’ve prior), that she didn’t communicate her feelings until after it reached a breaking point, and now she’s actually immensely upset and this whole situation bothers her, ending with her in tears.
I was very much taken aback by this, and whilst I did try to apologize, I was struggling to understand why she got so upset so quickly? She then insisted that what I did invalidates her entire degree, negates all the effort and hard work that she put in and -above all else- is an INHERENTLY S**TTY thing to do. She emphasized that I know absolutely nothing about what I was answering, and furthermore, that I know far less about the human body than I probably SHOULD know in fact. Evidently, she was very hurt—hurt that I seemingly made a mockery of her entire degree and livelihood.
What confuses me though is… We were joking about the probability that I would pass—not how ‘easy’ medicine is because it’s simply not, and she knows that I don’t think it’s easy. She also was very much laughing alongside me, and got up herself to get her computer and hand me the test in the first place to, in her own words, prove me wrong because this is very silly to her as well.
She never expressed how much it bothered her during, laughing at me even struggling to pronounce the words - which wasn’t hurtful, I don’t want to come across as a victim because from my POV, I was right up there with her laughing at myself as well! She insisted that what I did, INHERENTLY, invalidates and minimizes everything, but if she always felt that way, why ‘go along’ with the joke? Why was she the one that had me take the test—and then, to both of our surprise, I passed?
I, and I’m sure this was very wrong of me to assume, that she was upset that I passed unexpectedly and came across as a ‘sore loser’ because from my POV, it was never about betting against whether I can pass Medicine, but whether I can guess my way through a multiple-choice test that I have little to no knowledge of, regardless of it was medicine or law.
She ended up going to the bedroom in tears, and although I tried to comfort her at first, she told me that she needed 10 minutes to herself and feels very betrayed by me. Things felt very delicate—I was very worried, and gave her those 10 minutes. When I returned, we discussed, and she said something that maybe changed my perspective… She said that she was also upset because she would’ve gotten a lower mark than me…
It was at that point, I began to believe that what was at first just joking about probability of passing a multiple choice, suddenly actually became about her insecurities regarding her degree—because if someone that knows ZERO can get a higher mark than her, what does that say about her? Quickly, I reminded her that she’s the smartest person I’ve ever met (and I mean that), reminding her that I always sing her praises but above all else, it means nothing that I passed and I don’t think it should say anything about her or her degree. I did not mean to ridicule her degree—and whatever jokes or gloating made was more so tied to her certainty that it wasn’t even possible—not that I can do better than her.
Look, medicine isn’t easy, and that’s why she also stated that, after all these years, it is deeply tied to her identity and sacrifice. And now, it seemed as if what she’s dedicated her life to was reduced to random chance. However, we both reminded each other that these multiple choice questions are not what medicine is all about. But regardless, she even said that isn’t the crux of why she’s upset because she knows that deep down, even if it’s difficult to remember in the moment. She’s upset because the entire concept of taking the test and joking about passing by pure luck is S**TTY and THAT’S why she feels betrayed because ‘THE AVERAGE PERSON’ would agree with her, and she’s GLAD none of her friends saw it because they would hate me for even bringing it up and taking the test in the first place! And I’m confused because… it was her idea to do the test? She brought her computer? I thought it was all jokes?
Why didn’t she express how much this bothers her—and I still struggle to think it’s ‘inherently’ bad because again, we were both laughing and it was her idea to do the test? Is it really ‘inherently s**ty’ to point out that someone could possibly pass a multiple choice test despite how difficult the degree could be? I never meant to invalidate her efforts, and it truly means nothing to me that I passed—I was teasing her with gloating afterwards because of how certain she was that it’s not possible!
I THINK the reason she reacted so strongly isn’t because what I did was ‘inherently s**tty’, but when it was too late, it triggered an insecurity that maybe I should’ve been more mindful of? But I don’t know if that automatically makes me an asshole? It was never about her degree being easy, it was always about multiple choice questions being passable whether or not you’re knowledgeable on the subject—which I did actually prove right? Intent matters—and context matters too. She did participate, she did joke along, and she did insist I’d fail completely. I just think….the outcome hit harder than either of us expected? And when I said that, if I had lost the bet, maybe that would’ve been better, she stated that she wishes I did… I think I do too.
I suppose some more context to include is, as we’ve discussed over the years, she is INCREDIBLY hard on herself and does have a bit of a superiority complex (though I’m not saying my ego is far off!), but someone commented that perhaps that also might be why she brought up the test in the first place?
So…am I the asshole? Is she overreacting? She too isn’t sure if it’s just her insecurities or perhaps her bruised ego? Or maybe it was just a s**ty thing for me to joke about in the first place?
TLDR; I made a joke that I could pass a partner’s multiple choice test for her degree studying to become a doctor, we laughed, we made a bet which involved me taking the test - and I won, passing said test which made her immensely upset leading to my confusion and struggle yo understand why that happened and if what I did was inherently bad or not?