AITAH for ignoring my friends despite being in the wrong
I (16F) would like to preface this by saying that Im aware that I probably am the asshole in this story, but I would like to ask for judgement & advice regardless.
For context, I was friends with Mai since grade 6 and we slowly started getting closer, which led to us creating a friend group of 4 people (Me, Mai, Nicki, Jiya) in grade 7. In grade 10 Mai & Jiya made more friends & invited 2 more people into our friend group (Ant & Pat). I barely knew Pat & we never talked personally. I also slowly started talking less to Mai in non-group settings.
Pat had a crush on someone and would drag us to wherever he would be during lunch break so she could stare at him but she would also insult Mai's boyfriend to her face & that started annoying me. I was talking to Mai on instagram about this & I said some really out of pocket things. I criticised Pat & called her jealous bc Mai has a boyfriend & Pat doesn't have the guts to talk to her "hallway crush." Mai laughed along & I slowly started forgetting about this convo. I regret this a lot now because Pat is genuinely sweet but I cant deny that at the time, I was feeling a bit jealous bc it felt like my best friends in the group (Nicki & Mai) liked her a lot better than me.
My boyfriend at the time was pretty toxic & I used to feel the need to prove myself to him so ig I adopted his toxic personality. Now, basically I had reposted & tagged Mai in a "lovey dovey" reel but my boyfriend saw & demanded I tag him instead (he later said it was a joke) but Mai saw this & told me she was insulted & disgusted that I would untag her for a man. I felt bad & untagged my boyfriend. He told me that since I seem to prefer girls over men, we should break up. I didnt want to lose him so I panicked & pathetically begged him not to. I started spiraling & blaming Maria for it.
During a birthday party, everyone was shit talking abt Mai bc she would ignore us to talk to her boyfriend & since my boyfriend incident was recent, I spilled the convo we had about Pat TO PAT bc I was salty (a disgusting thing to do esp over a stupid reel) but I accidentally told her that Mai said the things that *I* said (the hallway crush thing) bc I had genuinely misremembered. I also told them about some cringe conversations Mai had with her boyfriend that she'd asked me not to share.
Later, when I was going through our messages to see exactly what she said, my heart dropped bc I realised she had infact not said those things, I had. I felt disgusted with myself but I didn't want to lose my friends (oh boy that backfired bad) so I kept that revelation to myself and hoped things would blow over but Mai found about what I said from our friend group and showed them our messages. So Jiya, Nicki and Mai confronted me about it & I was so ashamed bc Mai has been nothing but good to me. I explained myself & Mai didn't forgive me but the others said we could move on. I tried to but everytime I saw Mai, I felt so guilty because ik I messed up the close bond we had. I think I subconsciously started talking to her even less bc I was scared she hated my guts. Even group settings made me so uncomfortable to the point I dreaded lunch because that would mean I would have to see both Mai and Pat (who now knows I said those things about her)
After winter break (we had to give exams & go home right after) I noticed they all started to ignore me despite not doing so in the 3 months after the drama. Only Nicki and Jiya would talk to me individually if they saw me but if I approached Jiya and Mai while they were together, Mai would run away in front of me & once said "oh its because shes here" to Jiya (which I dont think I was meant to hear) but they would surround Nicki and talk amongst themselves while I was off to the side & I felt so filthy. I was feeling unwanted by the group since long before so this just confirmed those thoughts. I started ignoring them back as a defense mechanism. I was switching schools so I would not be present after exams (my bday was also around then). I thought if Mai messaged me a HBD that meant she wasnt ignoring me and I was just overthinking. But she didnt wish me which hurt me & made me respond dryly to Jiya and Nicki who *had* wished me. I thought they hated me too secretly. None of them messaged me after that.
Yesterday, I saw them post pictures of a friend group hangout on instagram. Meaning they had created new groupchats and officially cut me off after I changed schools. Up until that, Id managed to convince myself things could work out (despite me not reaching out to them either lol, so im to blame too) and I realised thats it, we aren't friends anymore. I kept thinking about it the entire night & haven't slept a wink, which is why I'm here.
I'm not saying any of this for pity, I want you all to tell me as it is bc otherwise I'll find another way to not accept reality and hurt myself & others in the long run.