u/FabianButHere

A bunch of loose thoughts coming up, please expect no real text structure.

I've known for close to a year now (August 2025) that I'm not a cis man. Since October 2025 I've known that I'm transfeminine. No one in my real social environment knows, only people online. While I haven't fully convinced myself emotionally yet that I'm trans, I rationally know. Since October I've had the worst depressed episodes ever, only getting worse every day.

I'm autistic. I've managed to get along with it quite well, and only the people who know me rather well even realize - but change is a huge struggle for me. The whole process of transitioning (which I definitely want) both socially and medically is such a huge burden, and I'm incredibly scared of that.

My mom (who I'm living with) would support anything that makes me happy, even though she wouldn't understand it at first. I will have to explain it to her - which is totally possible, she's not stubborn - but too emotionally difficult for me. My dad lives in a really weird echo chamber that seems to polarize to the opposite side every few months, but I don't care as much about him anyways. My mom's boyfriend wouldn't get it at all. That's incredibly sad, because I really like him, but maybe he could get it after a few months. As for the rest of my family, it'd be fine.

Especially here in Germany, being trans as a child is hell. Nothing is designed for trans children. You can't even get a proper diagnosis without jumping through a bunch of hoops - and DIY is a huge legal gray area - which I also probably can't afford, and could additionally get me in huge trouble with insurance, as we're not insured privately.

But besides from that - the social process feels like to great of an emotional burden. I'd start bursting out in tears the moment anyone asks me anything even barely related to me being trans.

Whenever there is a talk about trans people in the area (because that stuff is huge gossip, the con of living rather remotely - also something I'm scared about) it's like an atmosphere of weird silence where everyone accepts the fact said person is trans, but feels weirdly about it. I assume they're just uneducated on that topic though - but a talk I'd have to have with them...

I've had real thoughts about just never coming out. Staying miserable. Because I feel like the huge change will kill me.

I sometimes pray that someone would just find my Reddit account, but not confront me about it. Just... know it. And educate themselves on it. So that when I feel ready there's no more talks to be held. And I can just live. Sadly a utopian scenario, but hey.

My friends would also support me - but I'd have to have that talk.

I feel like such an asshole, with the privilege of probably being accepted - yet still complaining about it.

How can I cope with that? Any way to manage the change? Really, anything that could get me out of this rabbit hole of desperation?

Hey there, so recently, I've had a debate with someone about whether the terms MtF and FtM are okay to use. I'm usually the last person to nitpick about stuff like that, but the more I think about it, the worse it feels.

I know it's more clear to the average person than the terms trans man/woman, yet I dislike the idea that the term suggests I (as a trans femme) was ever really a man. It's also clunky to use, either you say "an MtF" which feels dehumanising, or "an MtF person", at which point you could just say "a trans woman".

It's not *that* big if a deal, I just wanted to ask whether any of you feel similarly, or whether I'm alone on that take.

Thanks ^-^

How can people *still* fight about whose fault what war is?

Be it Russia-Ukraine, Israel-Palestine, Israel-Lebanon, USA-Iran or whatever. It's a war. War doesn't have winners. On both sides humans are killed. And no matter what war you choose as example, I guarantee you both sides have violated human rights and committed war crimes. Humans are being killed and tortured.

Where do all those entitled people take the liberty to judge "who's dying worse" from?? Especially so politicians. Finally stop beating a dead horse and help those in need! No, I do not care in the slightest that in your ideology those are the "bad guys". They're humans. And their lives have the same value as anyone else's.

Let's take an example: Israel-Palestine. They have their fair share of history. Israel has been found guilty by the ICJ to have committed a genocide (which is not a war) in Gaza. But there's also a war going on, where both are attacking inland targets and civilians. Both parties are guilty of war crimes. You simply *do not have the right* to say which one is doing "worse war crimes". You di not have the right to relativise.

It's a war. People are *dying*. Finally stop discussing about who is dying worse and start helping those in need.

I am leaving this subreddit. This is not funny. Not related to chess. Not related to anything and not even FUNNY. Who is even the target for this jokes. What is the point?

"Let's just share pornography because hahaha we are being edgy. Do you get it we are all edgy and we are making jokes NOT EVEN RELATED TO CHESS and you know what the jokes being not FUNNY is supposed to be FUNNY because of shitposting".