Self will
I stepped away from the recovery community and decided that I could manage my recovery through self-will. Looking back, that was a mistake. Without support or accountability, I slowly returned to old patterns.
My ex-partner initially tried to work with me. She would catch me seeking out other women, and although it hurt her, she eventually agreed to an open relationship as long as I respected certain boundaries. Instead of treating that trust with care, I broke the rules. I could not hold myself accountable. It felt like I had been handed the key to a candy shop with no limit, and the addiction escalated quickly.
I became increasingly detached from myself. I was not pursuing connection. I was using sex as an escape, just like I had used other things in the past. I was back in a dark place, trying to numb myself rather than face what was happening inside of me.
Eventually, my partner sat me down and told me that she did not want to share me anymore. At first, I was upset for selfish reasons. I thought, This was working so well. But the truth is that it was only working for me because I was not being honest or respectful. I was acting on my impulses while she carried the emotional damage.
I ended the relationship because I could not give her what she needed. I could no longer look at her without seeing the hurt I had caused. The shame and guilt became impossible to ignore.
I know now that I need to take my recovery seriously. I have seen people build healthy relationships with one partner. They are present, loyal, accountable, and emotionally available. I want that. I yearn for the ability to love one person without constantly searching for an escape. But I also understand that wanting it is not enough. I have to become someone capable of sustaining it.