How do I fix what is wrong with me?
I am a 27f with high functioning autism, severe depression, severe anxiety, ADHD, severe scoliosis, and don’t sweat. I also have heart issues. I have always struggled to fit in and function like a “normal” person so much it hurts both mentally and physically. I had no friends growing up and mostly spent 90% of my time alone in my room reading fantasy books, daydreaming if I was my OC how much happier and less lonely I would be. I would listen to music full volume and walk circles alone for hours, forgetting I exist and preferring it that way. But The real world doesn’t work like that after I grew up. I mask and bottle up my emotions to the point I get sick. I have failed 9 jobs from 2017 to 2021. Every job I’ve done I’ve been fired for misreading an unknown situation and not dealing with it properly, being too slow, and messing up big time. I struggle to multitask and when overwhelmed I process things slowly or don’t understand people and even if I think I’m moving fast I’m not. I try to be perfect and do my best but it’s just not enough. I try not to cry or show how I feel as it just annoys people and I try to do as I’m told, but everyone keeps expecting me to know what to do or understand nonverbal communication and I try to learn the cues but it doesn’t work. I applied for disability but they turned me down. I gave up my dreams to work with animals or kids- it’s where I’m the happiest because I’m a child at heart deep down. I got fired from a daycare because two kids were fighting and while I was pulling them apart alone another kid climbed a chain link fence behind me and I got fired for being a liability. Another kid at a different after school club climbed up onto the cafeteria table and tried to do a flip but I wasn’t allowed to do anything but nicely ask him to get down- and he ignored me. He tried to do a back flip and almost landed headfirst on the ground but I panicked and caught him, before quickly setting him down, but I was fired as that wasn’t allowed. Another time I was working at one of the A.S.P.C.A. places and my job was to clean kennels but I was new and I made three mistakes that got me fired. One was I had to clean 40 small dog kennels and 40 cat cages (feed, water, clean kennels and blankets, and give meds to specific animals) and only had from 6am to 12 to get it all done alone. I would normally finish around 12:30, but I would be going as fast as I could, however they got upset I wasn’t fast enough. The second thing was on my third day I hadn’t learned all the dogs yet and normally we let all the females out first, clean the kennels and put them up, and then let all the males out and do the same. I missed one female dog who had hidden under the stairs (they checked the camera) and they got tied together. My third one was one I don’t regret. While cleaning the male dog cages I heard a fight break outside and a dog screaming in pain. I ran outside to see what was happening- and 4 small dogs (a blue heeler puppy, a shih tsu mix, and two dachshund mixes were teaming up on a chihuahua who was super friendly and submissive. They ripped his ear off and there was a huge mess and I ran outside to stop the fight but the manager told me to “let nature take it’s course” and it’s “not out job to stop fights” and I said that what if someone adopts a dog that has done that and they told me “that’s their problem not ours” and I ignored them and stopped the fight. I patched up the chihuahua which took time off cleaning which also got me in trouble. At an ice cream store they made me work double shifts by guilt tripping me. They had one girl lie and say she was pregnant but I found out she was going to a bar with friends and using me to work her shifts even though I was pushing my limits due to my bad back and trying to be kind. Other workers also lied to me to get me to cover their shifts and I found out after I was fired after accidentally crying in front of customers from the pain as I “made the company look bad”. All other places are similar to this. I get fired after about 5-7 months. I tried to do college as well- I’ve always wanted to learn 2D and 3D animation. But it was too fast for me to keep up on top of a job and I lost my scholarship after failing the class and typography at the same time as I was taking two classes. I was told by both teachers no one would ever hire someone slow like me and to try a different career because I would never be successful. I quit and gave up college as I couldn’t afford it as I can’t keep a job. I gave up my dreams of working with animals or daycares and now I’m just trying to survive and keep a job. At this rate I’m starting to think I don’t have a place in this world and it would be better if I wasn’t in it as my husband has cheated on me repeatedly but he pays for everything and I still love him even though it hurts. My mom typically also has to pay for me but they both are tired of it. I don’t wanna be homeless and alone in the end. I’m trying everything to keep a simple job but I keep failing and feeling like a failure. I tried DARS and Texas Workforce to help me find a job but both of them got me the job and left instead of helping me fix my issues. I’m trying this as my last hope before I’m doing what truly I believe needs to be done. ANY advice would help. And for the record, I have talked to managers and co workers about my issues but they walk right over me or invalidate what I say by saying someone always has it worse.