Husband mislead me and now I may never have children.
I really don’t know what to do I’m a revert and so is my husband so I don’t really have counsel for this situation.
My husband and I met on a marriage app and we did everything as halal as possible we met up only around family and we spoke to just ask each other questions to gage compatibility. What I liked about him was that we were both from similar backgrounds and he was from a good stable home and he had a nice relationship with his parents and siblings. He was also passionate about Islam and the social issues that i cared about. We spoke about children, when we would want to start a family (both of us said quite early on maybe wait a year but not much longer) etc. We also spoke about intimacy- not in detail but I asked if it would be okay not to put pressure on things to happen on the first night of marriage because the idea was making me nervous. He said he understood but then asked how often I thought infancy was required in a marriage and he said 3 times a week. I answered honestly and said I don’t really know but, it would have to be something we agreed to. The conversation was left at that, which may still be very inappropriate but, I had no bad intent behind the conversation and there was not flirting or weird insinuation in it.
However, after we got married i realised not everything is what it seemed. The first thing was on the night we did consummate the marriage I found out that he cannot ejaculate unless he pleasures himself. He also has a much lower libido than me and we will sometimes go 2 -3 weeks without intimacy when we haven’t even been married a year. Immediately this stressed me out because, we spoke about having children and he didn’t slightly hint that he may have problems with conceiving. In fact he said he wanted as many children as possible but, financially providing for more than 3 may be difficult. Additionally, he was the one who mentioned the frequency of intimacy but, knew he had these challenges so it feels purposefully misleading. I have addressed the issue of intimacy multiple times and he always gets defensive saying he’s just tired. I asked him to go to the doctors to check his testosterone and he says his testosterone is fine but I just have a weirdly high libido (I don’t think I do). In the last conversation we had about this he said he hasn’t gone to the doctors because he “doesn’t like medical people” because they don’t really know what they are doing and they don’t really listen to patients. He’s only tried to go to the doctors about it once and that was a while before we were married.
Additionally, it puts me off that he seems to have no original though (in the sense that he analysed information and came to a conclusion, I know that no one really has any original thoughts). Everything he says is just repeated talking points from podcasts and it makes conversation so boring.
Even in regards to Islam he has been Muslim twice as long as me but has only memorised two Surahs. I have tried to help him improve his tajweed but he gets in strop and get frustrated when I correct him. At one point I was trying to correct him and like a toddler he was just like “this language is just stupid”. I get it’s frustrating and learning to speak in a different language is hard but, I cant stand when people call things stupid jus because they don’t like it or they are bad at it, I find it really childish. Another reason I married him was because he is quite a bit older than me so I just didn’t expect this.
I’m finding that I’m falling out of love with him and losing attraction because he’s also fairly overweight and eats so much that sometimes watching him eat puts me off my food. I don’t want to feel like this because despite all of this he’s such a lovely person. He absolutely adores me and does small things to try and make me happy all the time. However, I feel such a sense of resentment because I was so honest and forthcoming about myself before marraige but, he wasn’t and it may result in a terrible intimate life as well as not being able or have children because of it.
I don’t know how to approach this with my husband without being harsh
just to add many people are suggesting he might be addicted to porn. I don’t think that is the case he made reference to the fact that he has watched porn in the past but he really hates it now. again we are both reverts so I can’t really hold him to the highest standards if he wasn’t Muslim before. I never watched porn obviously and I became Muslim in my early 20s so i didnt have much experience, but it’s definitely different for women and men.