u/Fabulous_Read_9387

I wish I had more time to configure my life out and fix it because every progress is slow. I've lost majority of my drive. I have mild depression with OCD and social anxiety(diagnosed), I'm seeking help with a psychiatrist like around 14 days later, the thing I'm extremely annoyed at the fact that the slots available for a session is so limited that I have to wait that long, especially if I'm busy with loads of stuff the following week.

I plan to get prescribed with SSRI's or Propranolol but ultimately it's up to their choice and anything is fine as long as the results are optimal as I'm just tired of living with extreme social anxiety, it ruined my relationships I've dm'd about 125 people online and managed to make a few friends but they kept ghosting me, I have 2 online businesses that went nowhere because of my inability to focus on it, and now I'm currently burnt out so I didn't do much of anything nowadays. My hope is that I obtain these meds as soon as possible so it resolves my heart palpitations and panic attacks.

My mind is also full of insecurities, like I would have full blown breakdowns by thinking nobody treats me seriously or formally, I don't think it'a a trauma but people normally always infantilize and condescend me so I've built up the narrative that I'm lower than others around my age (17m), I've also built up the thought that I don't deserve to have the things that some others have around my age like employment or sexual relationships, this made me extremely aggresive sometimes till the point I have intrusive thoughts of hurting someone or just sh myself in general (happened few days ago)

Hopefully the session I've booked will be helpful for resolving most or if not some of these issues but then again I have to wait a while which sucks, If there's any useful advice and suggestion feel free to comment. Idk what flair to tag this as venting or scd/sh idk

Most of the time at night(past 10pm), I tend to spiral down into overthinking/thoughts about how unsuccessful I am compared to others, I won't disclose what I'm specifically envious of my peer or anyone around my age (16-18) for, as I'm just too ashamed and disgusted at myself to even mention it publicly in this sub(if u wanna know feel free to dm but please be gentle about it), all of this was due to OCD and extreme social anxiety, I'm diagnosed with only one of the 2

This ruined my sleep schedule hence I now sleep at 1-3am, which fucked up my circadian rhythm that's now fixed around this time, the thought of me being condescended a lot really fucking triggers me to the point I self harmed and visualized m*rdering the the individual who condescended me, this was likely due to me being ostrasized since birth and inferior to almost everyone so I developed this egomaniac thoughts which contradict my reality just so I could feel that I'm atleast useful, and yes I did try to let it go and accept that I'm not as good, but that's essentially like letting go another part of me that've developed for 6 years so its insanely painful, Hence the reason my sleep schedule is ruined

Now I kept scrolling reddit or anywhere to "find a solution before I sleep" but I definitely know thats just not true and I wont stop doomscrolling till 2 to 3am, it's usually something I've seen online that trigger these thoughts

I have way more thoughts I'd like to share, but they're too explicit and illogical that I can't string any sentence of it without having to construct a 3000 word essay to explain it adequately

So basically I'm tired of this repetitive loop, I wish I could just end it all, but it's near impossible due to natural instincts, I've been bnned from my primary venting sub which absolutely doesn't help this situation at all