I’m disgusting.
I am currently 22 years old (female) and for the first time, I am finding the strength to put into words a reality I have carried in silence since childhood.
From the age of 4 until I was 17, I was subjected to repeated sexual abuse by older male family members. My own brother, who was 15 at the time, began abusing me when I was only 4. This behavior was not isolated; it was a pattern involving several men in my family.
During those years, the adults in my life specifically my sister and my aunts were aware of what was happening to me. Despite their knowledge, they never intervened to protect me or taught me that these actions were wrong. Because my environment normalized this behavior, I grew up without a clear understanding of boundaries.
Because I was conditioned in an environment where abuse was the norm, I eventually engaged in sexual activities with my nephew and cousin, both of whom were similar in age to me. I was a child myself, trying to navigate a world that had been warped by the adults around me. Eventually, I reached a point of realization and voluntarily stopped these activities while I was still quite young.
I carry a heavy burden of guilt regarding my nephew and cousin. Though I am close with my nephew and have apologized to him for not being the aunt he needed, I struggle to forgive myself. The weight of those actions, combined with later years spent battling drug addiction and deep depression, has left me feeling as though I failed to protect him. This pain is further compounded by the loss of my cousin, who recently passed away from cancer. Although we spoke before his death, the lack of a formal apology remains a source of deep, persistent sorrow.
The trauma of these experiences has left a lasting mark on how I relate to intimacy. I struggle significantly with sexual contact, to the point where I have effectively become asexual. When I do attempt to engage in intimacy, I often find myself crying, overcome by feelings of shame, disgust, and the haunting memories of my past. I’m not a child predator. I don’t find children attractive in anyway or form. I can’t even change any of my nephews or nieces diaper without feeling disgusted or ashamed with myself. I don’t even think I can have children of my own. Does anyone feel this way? I hope I’m not alone. Should I talk to someone? I don’t want them to look at me with disgust. I don’t think I deserve the title aunt.