u/Fabulous_Tour3661

I (31F) just broke things off with a man (33M) that I was seeing for 4 months. He was an amazingly kind person but humor was missing in our dynamic. Prior to meeting him, I’d gone on 4 first dates. 2 of those 4 dates progressed to 3-5 dates, but ultimately didn’t lead anywhere. Prior to those 4 dates, I was single and not dating for 8 months while healing from a relationship that I was in for most of my 20s.

So in total, I’ve gone on 5 first dates and gotten to somewhat know 1 person outside of my one longterm relationship.

When y’all were dating, did y’all date around to see what you needed and wanted in a partner? Or is this something you just intuitively knew? Do you think dating around is important to understanding your needs / wants? I definitely have non-negotiables but it seems like everyone I meet has different percentages of qualities that make up my non-negotiable pie, if that makes sense.

31F dating 33M for 2.5 months and am conflicted. He’s kind, attentive, thoughtful, consistent, smart, emotionally intelligent, deep, and keeps his word. We have amazing physical and sexual chemistry, shared goals and values, similar interests and hobbies, and connect emotionally and intellectually. I feel peaceful and secure. I’ve even shared things about myself that I never told my ex of 8 years.

But I can’t shake the feeling that something is missing - conversation/banter doesn’t always flow. Sometimes I feel blocked or flat when I’m with him - like I’m not fully free or able to access my weird and goofy self. I seem to have to initiate the banter and playfulness. It’s interesting because we both enjoy similar humor (tv shows, standup, improv, sketch comedy) but don’t always seem to connect that way in reality. For example, I’ll make an observation I think is funny or absurd and he’ll respond pretty literally. I wouldn’t describe him as a serious person - he’s quite playful and creative but maybe just in a different way than I am.

For some context, I was in a relationship with the same person from 22-30. The relationship had major issues - I didn’t feel emotionally safe, there was a lot of conflict and inconsistency, and I felt I carried most of the emotional labor. But one thing we had was a very natural sense of play. We were weird together and laughed constantly. We seemed to share the same lens on the world and found the same absurd things funny. My ex was very funny and was a natural instigator and seemed to bring out my silly / playful side.

So I guess my question is: has anyone dated someone where the emotional safety, trust, friendships and love developed first and the playful best friend feeling came later? Does that sense of freedom and ease grow with time and comfort? Or is feeling like someone brings out your playfulness and naturally gets your humor and way of seeing the world immediate?

I care about this man a lot and can even see myself loving him deeply. Am I hyper focusing on one missing feeling or is this a real incompatibility?

I 30F went on 5 dates over 5 weeks with 32M. Conversation flowed, we never ran out of things to talk about, we laughed, dates lasted 4-7 hours. He initiated and planned all 5 dates. We didn’t have sex but we did do other things which were great and really hot, tender and intimate in my opinion. We said we liked each other. He said he was hoping I’d feel that way. We chatted over text 6x per week. He’d send me pics and updates about his day. He was super engaged. He invited me to stop by his family’s pool day (before date 3!) to which I said I wasn’t ready yet. Offered to bring me soup when I was sick. Made a Spotify playlist for me. Told me he told all his friends and family about me.

We went to the movies on the 5th date and I thought it went well. He had is hand on my thigh the whole movie, walked me home, said he wanted to see me again, and then kissed me goodnight. But after 5th date, no plans to see each other again. Today he texts me and tells me he doesn’t feel the “spark” and it wouldn’t feel genuine to continue seeing each other.

How could my experience have been so different from his? Am I delusional for feeling like we did have a spark/chemistry? How did I misread his behavior and interest? How/why was he acting so into me if there was no spark?

What is this elusive “spark” that I always seem to feel but the other party doesn’t even though their behavior indicates otherwise?

I will say, he brought up his ex a few times in a way that made me feel he hadn’t fully processed the attachment loss. Told me he still had pictures of them on his phone because it felt too sad to erase his memories. But also told me he wasn’t happy in the relationship and the relationship wasn’t sustainable.