u/Fabulous_Wishbone_29

Mainly a vent post. / TW SA

I

Let me set the stage here, I was 19, turning 20 in the following months. My best friend lived the street up from me, I lived in my workplace, that we both worked at. She had been dating this guy for a few months and it was going great, and his friend had asked about me.

His friend and I started casually dating! It was just the usual, yknow - we see each other at our friend meetups to drink every weekend, we hang out, nothing too much - I wasn’t huge on being around people ALL the time, I liked being alone.

My workplace and home had become very toxic and with it being a childcare job, I had to leave and report my workplace. I got approved for a super cute apartment, moved within the month. There was a few red flags like, he had said some questionable things about women, just very anti-woman, but I brushed it off thinking it was me misinterpreting.

Once I had moved, my ex had stayed with me pretty often, almost all the time, which wasn’t an issue until he just never? left… I communicated about needing my space and that I wanted to live alone, I was NOT heard about this. I unfortunately just backed down out of not wanting conflict. It was the first week of November ‘24 and I was sleeping next to him but was woken up by him assaulting me. Our sex life wasn’t abundant, but we had clear boundaries because of my previous experiences. I just ended up laying there out of complicity and shock, I blame myself for not fighting back on it. The days following this, were awful. Constant fighting, I brought it up to him and he pretended not to know what I was talking about. There was immense name calling, just telling me how stupid I was for assuming he would do something like that. I told him that he needed to get his things and get out of my home, by the weekend. We fought about this for hours but I stood firm in it. Over the next couple days awaiting the weekend I slept on my couch and he slept in my bed. The fighting, yelling was relentless, from the moment I woke up, till I left for work, then when I got home it was just continuous.

He had finally left, before he did I ended things completely and told him I don’t want further contact - but he never returned my second key copy.

I would return from my new job, to my door being unlocked, knowing I had locked it in the morning, multiple days in a row. Finally my mom and I just changed the handle lock, since he refused to give me my key back. I would come home to the bolt still being unlocked but the handle being locked, meaning he was still actively trying to get into my home. A few weeks had passed, it’s around thanksgiving.

It was one morning before work I just felt awful, I decided to take a pregnancy test and it was immediately positive, then I took 6 more. All the same.

Within a week i quit my job, canceled my lease, and moved back home with my dad. He has reached out to me 4 times SINCE the breakup, on random burner accounts I have reiterated I don’t want contact and or just blocked him.

And now, here I am, 18 months later, 21 with a 9 month old son. I don’t post him on my social media/ if I do, it’s strictly private and just family. I am doing the best I can with that I was dealt, I love my son with my entire being and I am so grateful for him, I’m now in a healthy loving relationship and I am engaged. The one thing is, I just never told him. I never told my ex I got pregnant, I don’t plan to. It will be a conversation I will have with my son when he is old enough to comprehend the complexity of the situation and why I made my choice. I know there could be anger, possibly resentment, if he wants to meet his father after that who am I to stop him, that’s his choice. My entire family and fiance support my decision.

I find myself constantly feeling this immense guilt, this dread over it.

But what’s the other option? My abuser to help raise my son? My abuser to have access to me, access to harm my son, harm me by harming my son, and the list goes on. I cannot imagine the things that would be said - I did this not only for my safety, but my son’s safety.

But that guilt always finds a way to creep in.

There aren’t many support groups that I can find which is tough, this is my first time talking about it when it hasn’t been to my fiance or my mom/close close family, I don’t like reciting the story much and I tend to leave out a lot out of just not wanting to remember, but it’s been in my head a lot recently and my friends all tell me the same thing ‘I made the right choice.’ I hope I did.

Anyway - here’s my fav meal from pregnancy