u/FaceWithAView25

Hi, my husband was diagnosed with BPD, Depression, and ADHD 3 years ago (same year we got married). To his credit, he's been in therapy that whole time, and he's doing weekly DBT group sessions to try to get better. We are both aware there is no cure, but we were initially hopeful that he'd be able to get some tools in therapy to make things easier/better. I previously would only see the BPD part of him when he was blackout drunk, but he quit drinking 4 years ago (at my insistence) and I was hoping that would fix things. It didn't, and a year later he was diagnosed.

Last year, things were going really well. I got a new high paying job that was supposed to be less stress than my last one, and he seemed to be making strides in therapy. Because of this, we decided to start trying for a baby, which is something we've always talked about wanting. Unfortunately, that seems to have triggered some kind of months-long episode for him (happening since September). He's become extremely reactive and mean. He constantly picks on me for not being clean enough (for example, he has cried because I left a half drank can of la croix on the counter overnight and he took it as a personal attack). The reality is I still pay for a cleaning person out of my severance so that he can't be mad at me, and he doesn't seem to hold himself to the same standards, just me. If he puts the dishes away he deserves an award, if I don't do it immediately then I'm lazy and clearly don't love him because he likes to live in a perfectly clean home. He's even gone so far as to tell me that he doesn't want to have a kid with me because I'm too messy. I am not messy, he just knows a baby is what I want most. This is part of a longer pattern that has existed our whole relationship and I now understand is BPD- whatever I want, he ruins. If I have an important interview or presentation the next day, he picks a fight. The night before my birthday, he picks a fight. The night before my bachelorette party or a girls trip or anything I'm doing that doesn't involve him, he picks a fight. I thought we'd moved past it, but now I'm realizing he's just doing the same thing but with my biggest wish.

In February my new company was acquired and I was laid off from my job. This is a new thing I'm sensitive about (I've always had a big career and been a workaholic) and his bullying has gotten worse. He's tried to control how I spend my free time and has been constantly telling me that I need to do more to find a job. Again, the reality is the market is bad, and I'm applying to as many jobs as I can, but he doesn't seem to be able to accept that. We have plenty of money from my severance and savings and I was actually kind of looking forward to the time off, but he has been so mean to me about not finding a job, and has been really focused on how it's impacting him. I've always been the breadwinner, so really all this means is that he can't spend whatever he wants anymore, but he's taken it out on me. Because of this, I've picked up a side gig while I look for jobs and he continues to stay at his low paying federal employee gig.

I know the initial reaction here will be stuff like "run!" "leave him!" and "there's no hope!" I'm wondering if there's anyone here who has been able to make it past tough times like this with the help of therapy or something else? I love him very much but I'm still at a point where I don't know how much more I can take. I feel so disrespected, unappreciated, and alone. For full context, I have previously been divorced so I'm embarrassed that I might have to go through this again. I do love him, deeply, and when he's not in a BPD or depressive state he's my favorite person to be around. There is a rational part of him that sometimes comes out, and I think that's part of why I'm holding on to hope. Am I a fool to be hopeful?