I am just starting this and I want to quit for good
I am a male 22 y/o and, I'm going to be honest with all of you, first of all, I want to thank all the people that have told their story, I feel I can be honest with who I am and hopefully, quit this for good, so let me tell you, somebody broke my heart and I just lost my fucking shit, I stopped eating, stopped studying (I was in college), everything went to shit basically, so, I started training, I was a fat motherfucker back then, so in my mind I wanted to be hot and talk to this girl again, fuck her and then dump her.
So, I started triathlon training, someone who didn't train at fucking all, I used to go to classes and then sit down on my computer all fucking day, but, I had my heart broken, so I didn't mind the pain, I didn't mind the tiredness, the sore muscles, nothing, my plan was to get hotter and fuck this girl to get my "revenge". Seriously, this girl changed my brain chemistry, I was one person before her and I am a different person after her.
So I did, I did train I became leaner, I lost the weight, but in the training I found a lot of more meaningful things than just pure hate, because as I said, I didn't mind the pain, the sore muscles or just being tired while running, cycling or swimming, I even looked for it, I wanted to feel that pain to feel in control, because I wanted to mimic how I felt inside but in a physical way to this time have some control over it.
So, in training I found different answers to the questions I had made, I stopped training out of revenge and hate, I realized how much I was worth, I gain a big fucking self esteem, but honestly, I still wanted to fuck this girl, and now I realize that it maybe was because of the porn, I just wanted to see her naked, that was all.
So, in this path I said "okay, let's do this properly" so I quit porn, I tried, I lasted 1 month with no porn at all, every time I felt the urge, I used to freeze myself, not move one fucking centimeter and just let the thought past, or go into cold showers or go running, cycling, everything, and actually, I was feeling great because I was feeling in control, because I was doing exactly what I proposed to do, so during this month of no porn at all, I discover things about me I didn't know I liked, such as bdsm, I ask Gemini for books to read on this topic, not the usual "booktok" books with lots of sexual scenes, not at all, I wanted to understand it better and actually develop healthy sexual desires, so I went deep into this, about consent, about talking to your partner, about boundaries, I read many books about this topic, the best one was "The new topping book", it teaches you a lot.
So, after one month, I relapsed again, and I felt like shit, but almost two weeks after relapsing I had to get a "circumsision", I had medical problems and I needed to get the surgery done, so I couldn't masturbate at all for more than a month and not look at porn for about 2 weeks because having erections hurt, for the stitches, so, funny thing, during this time I met a girl, I mean, we've known each other for years, but we never actually took anything further, she was the most beautiful, hottest girl I have ever met, she was literally the hottest woman I have ever known and we started talking.
And man, we got along very fucking good, everything was perfect, eventually we started to take things further, me telling her how beautiful and hot she was and everything was going perfect and I told her about how I liked some things about bdsm, and how I wanted to do them with her and she also liked some things about bdsm but she didn't know the "theory" you could say, so I explained to her everything, about consent, about safe words, about scenes, everything, I told her that if she didn't want to do something, she just had to say it and I wouldn't do it, everything was perfect and we were perfect for each other, but one day, we were together and I couldn't have an erection, it was one moth past the surgery and I couldn't had sex for the doctor orders, so I excuse myself in that, and she understood it, but man, she is the hottest girl I know and I couldn't have an erection, so this is why I am writing this, this is why I want to quit porn for good, I searched online and porn might be the cause of why I didn't have an erection, so, it breaks my heart knowing I can't actually penetrate her for this fucking bullshit, we stopped talking though, not long after everything went to shit and that was it.
I just wanted to tell my story because this time I am serious about this, I want to feel in control, I downloaded an app on my phone to help me through this and overall, thank you for the people that tell their stories, I now know I am not alone in this, thank you for reading.