3 months after separation - observations on healing
Previous post on healing at 2 months mark
I have finally been on no contact for about 20 days. I dont know if its the no contact, time, everything thats happening in the meantime or what but I feel yet again better.
My ex wanted to call me two days ago, I immediately lost my sleep, cried and have had more rumination after that. All these things that were already getting better with no contact. So I must say, to all of you recovering, that Its okay if no contact is difficult and contacts are happening, but I hope you get to experience no contact eventually, it might help.
Mainly I am sad. I dont get derealization anymore, thankfully. I am extremely angry, but I dont put it out on him, it is no use, he would never understand it. I put the anger and rage in to my journal, music and weigh lifting. I believe his own actions will create logical consequences for him. I work full time again. I dont have to use any meds anymore. I cry every now and then a little. I sleep, eat and have been able to start doing sports again. I have more and more moments of ordinary happiness even. But I do think about all this A LOT.
I am starting psychotherapy, I lean on my religion a lot, and also alternative medicine, just my supports, to illustrate just how much support one can truly need, dont be ashamed of it. Lean on the support that is meaningful to you as much as you need.
I dont blame myself anymore. My ex is a serial cheater, whatever happened last winter didnt cause the infidelity and he was very aware of what he did and even planned it. The friends who knew this happening are not my friends and I dont need to think about them like that when I meet them.
I have been reading a lot of Jung, and it has helped me immensely. I have come to think that like any relationship, ours had huge and powerful projections going on. On my part, really idealized one, and taking the projection back along with all the mental energy it contains feels good. I think its completely possible I will still trust and love one day. But more important than my future ability to trust and love another person is my ability to truly value myself in relation to others. I can and hopefully will stay a deeply romantic person, but I must also have self worth and ability react when people dont treat me accordingly. But I know its very difficult even sometimes impossible to understand relationship dynamic once you are inside the said dynamic.
I dont really have a desire to see or hear from my ex ever again. This is the biggest change since last month. A month ago my feelings of love and longing for him were still very strong. Now I feel kind of more and more aversive and indifferent towards him and angry about his actions, mainly the entitlement and willingness to put me into risk and take away my right to consent to things. This is a person I dont want to associate with.
But theres a lot of interesting momentums going on in my life right now, and I am looking forward to the future. Possibly changing jobs, planning a holiday just as I like it, moving closer to my family etc. Even without big changes, I think what is helpful is to live a life of ordinary happiness. Eat, sleep, move. All the things people say but dont seem to make sense when the emotional pain is the strongest, but trust me, all of this helps, and time helps. Give the time time to do its magic. Process, ruminate even, but keep going. And accept that love is irrational. And accept that this is how it went down this time.
Good luck to all of you who are recovering! I hope someone finds these journals helpful when you are in a dark place.