When everything explodes years later
This is my first post here. I'm not really sure if I'm writing because I need to get this out of my head or because I want advice. Maybe both.
I've been married to my amazing BP for a very long time. During our first year together, I did something awful. I cheated once with my ex.
I was young, I didn't think my relationship with the person who is now my spouse was going to last, and I can come up with all sorts of reasons and excuses, but at the end of the day I made that choice and I've regretted it ever since.
Over the years, my BP had suspicions. Strong suspicions. And I denied it. Every time. I always denied it.
Life moved on. We got married, had kids, bought a house, built a life together. And we were damn happy. I put that secret in a box and buried it as deep as I could. I fully expected to take it to my grave.
A few days ago, they found out. I didn't confess, the learning was through other circumstances.
Since then, everything has been a mess. My BP is devastated by the cheating, but also by the years of lying, telling me things like, "You took away my choice." Angry, humiliated, hurt.
They want every detail. One minute incredibly affectionate and doesn't want to let me out of sight, the next saying cruel things or rewriting our entire history and seeing red flags everywhere.
I just sit there and take it. Because i deserve it of course. For me it was more than 20 years ago. For my BP it was like yesterday. I answer the questions. I explain. I repeat myself over and over.
We're not doing well. I don't know what I can to do to help my BP heal, get better. I know I can't fix this , I'm the very reason for the pain, but I wish I could make it less somehow. And selfishly, I wish I could get rid of this horrible weight in my stomach. I don't even know if I really want to reconcile. I feel so ashamed that I don't think I deserve it.