I’m taking time away from coworkers and loved ones until my period passes and my emotions are regulated again. I’m only talking to family I’m very close with (and who also appear to have PMDD).
I’m struggling as hell. I didn’t have a period for 70 days, and then it finally came through on Friday.
Found out some awful nonsense about my deceased parent on Friday.
On Saturday, after my best friend (and chosen family member) and I discussed this very traumatizing familial situation, we had a massive blowout. It’s so obnoxious bc I’ve been trying to make plans for a trip for us for a year. And she kept changing plans. But she was supposed to visit me across the country this summer (we have been friends for 10 years, have never lived in the same place, and have only seen each other IRL once at a work conference, and it was very brief bc she was working and so was I), but she canceled on me without telling me anything. We’ve been friends who text almost every day for years and years. At no point was this important to mention? But she’s got more than enough time to travel to spend time with whatever woman she’s seeing. I also have late-diagnosis cPTSD and ADHD, so I just shut it down immediately.
My PMDD/menses/cPTSD/ ADHD rage was just too much; I couldn’t stop thinking about this situation. And it all totally ruined my evening and this weekend. I didn’t want to say something I’d regret, and her girlfriend was arriving for a ten-day trip. So I’m glad I shut it down. But all I’ve been doing is crying all weekend, which I really don’t do.
It’s so hurtful, and I don’t understand why any of this happened. My best friend could have just said she was going to reschedule. She could have done a million things other than respond to that text and say she wasn’t coming, no follow-up, just jokes. She knows what just happened with my family, said it was a lot and really had. She knows about me having PMDD, she knows about the garbage I grew up with, she knows it all—things I’ve never shared with others. And I feel so stupid.
I’m now questioning my best friend and my relationship, fearful that it’s been shallow this entire time and that I've missed a ton of social cues. Perhaps she was never my best friend, or it was one-sided. Regardless, on top of the disappointment of never really canceling with me until I said I had to buy concert tickets, and that I’m apparently dumb as fuck, I’m embarrassed and humiliated. I can’t believe I spent all this time searching for the perfect new bed so that she will be comfortable in my new home, or special things to do, special restaurants, places to go hiking, best lakes to go swimming, all of this shit.
I just can’t with people. I feel so much anger and hate, and I can’t even tell if it’s fucking valid. My mental health is so trash, and I’m in the dark dooms. Since starting medication for PMDD, the ideation has stopped. I’ve been feeling so much better. And I feel so fucking wrecked and not okay right now. I don’t have family, really, just a couple of relatives. The rest are dead or are awful. So, she wasn’t just my best friend, she was like my sibling and a member of my chosen family. Now I don’t feel like I have that, and it’s so hard for me. I feel so alone and isolated since moving here. And this just made it so much worse.
I feel so fucking betrayed and just a mess about everything.
I don’t want advice. I just need to vent. Comments welcome, just, ughh, please don’t post advice.