u/False-Specialist1506

I (22M) have been on ADHD medication for a little over a year. When I take it, it improves my mood and productivity. But recently I've been declining a lot in many of the regards I thought it was improving. Mainly, I've had a major increase in my anxiety over work and school related stuff. I've been slacking on work in my professor's lab and I've basically stopped doing school work. I keep telling myself that I'll "do it tomorrow" or "I don't need to work on that now". I come home and play video games and just try not to stress about the future.

I'm about to graduate and I was too anxious about getting everything together to submit my graduation forms in time and now I technically can't graduate this semester. I can graduate in the summer but I don't know if I'll be able to walk for graduation. I'm trying to talk to the office that runs it, but I'm too anxious to go in person or to call. But even if I can, my name wont be on the list. I feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself because this really is a once in a life time opportunity that I have pretty much ruined. I've been avoiding telling my family or gf because I'm afraid they will be upset. I'm already upset at myself enough, but I know they will be more upset if I wait to tell them.

I've been avoiding school work and actual work that stresses me out. Of course, these are simple things that were easy at first but have now snowballed into huge tasks. I stress about getting these things done by sitting down and working on them, but I just can't get myself to start the task even on my meds. I go to bed feeling anxious, can't sleep, don't go to class or work the next day saying I'm sick just because I'm too afraid to face the consequences of not doing what needed to get done. I wake up anxious as hell and am either late or don't go.

I feel like I need constant reassurance about every little thing I do, and if I don't have any, I stress about whatever I'm doing, and just put it off to avoid it. It's CONSTANT nowadays. I used to think I was just a procrastinator but its so much worse than that now. Everyone keeps telling me to "just start" but when I do, I get into it, I stress about it, and I just drop it. I feel so overwhelmed with all the things I need to do and I don't know where to start so none of them get done.

Even now, I'm stressed about getting my girlfriend a gift for her birthday that's coming up. I want it to be special and amazing, but I'm running out of time and I know I'm gonna rush it, get something that can actually get here on time, and then feel terrible about it. I can't tell if this paralyzation is just laziness, an addiction to my coping habits, or what.

The worst part is that once one of these things does actually get done, I'm so exhausted from the energy it took to do it that I can't do anything else until I've recharged. I've gotten this far doing all this, but I don't want to anymore. I have no self authority or any idea how to change this. I want to just take a pill to fix the problem, but I know that's not the issue. I want to fix myself but I feel like I don't have the power to do it. I don't want to seem hopeless, I'm just really tired to dealing with the same idiot all day.

I've been taking Dextroamphetamine for a little over a year now I think? I've been upped to 40 mg a day through a combo of a 30mg XR and an 10mg IR for a boost in the afternoon. I'm a student and the afternoon is the only time I have to do homework and shit but the XR burns out too fast to save any time in the afternoon. Recently I've been noticing that some times I feel like it isn't working the way it normally does. Recently, the afternoon dose just hasn't been working at all it feels like. Before, I used to be able to sit down and get started on my homework and actually end up enjoying it and was able to get through all of it. Now I feel like I can't get my homework done very often. But sometimes I can't tell if the medication isn't working or if its my brain telling me I just really don't want to do it right now and I'd rather be doing something else.

I know that tolerance can build up over time but it just felt kind of sudden for me? Part of me thinks that my "tolerance" is just placebo of me taking it and expecting it not to work. But I wanted to look into potential alternatives later down the road if it ever stops working fully. I keep seeing things like behavioral strategies and talk therapy but without my meds I feel like I can't create healthy habits. Like even getting out of bed some days without my meds feels really hard. Maybe I'm just anxious about it, but I feel like if my meds stop working then I'm just gonna be in a really bad spot.

I see people mentioning that lifestyle changes (eating healthier, consistent exercise, hydration, and healthy sleep) really help with ADHD symptoms. But I feel like I don't have time or can afford to do most of that stuff as it is. I keep thinking I just have to wait until I graduate and get a job with a consistent schedule to keep money and time and then I'll be okay. But what until then. Yeah, I could probably make some better choices at times, but the only things that can go are the only things keeping me sane sometimes. It just doesn't feel sustainable. Of course neither does this.

I literally can't imagine what it would be like to try getting through school again without being medicated. Its literally changed my life. But now another part of me is left wondering if I have the wrong idea about how they should feel. On a good day, I take my medication and I go to lecture and I start feeling really interested and perked up (stimulant duh) and I feel really good. I have energy, I'm less anxious, I'm more ambitious, things feel manageable, and I'm enjoying myself more. I don't know if they should be this night-and-day or if the effects are normally supposed to be more subtle.

I take my meds pretty much every day even if I don't have work or school or even if I'm just like traveling or something. They help me keep off my phone, stay much more focused, and way less anxious about everything. I take them when I feel like I need to be productive, if I need to socialize, or if I have something big to handle. Part of me is afraid I'm misusing my meds or if I'm addicted to them at all. I don't think I get withdrawals if I don't take them for a while. I just feel really stuck, depressed, and anxious right now.