I miss my mom so much
I don’t really know where to start. My life has changed so much since her passing. She passed in September of 23. I was 19, working at a restaurant as a fryer cook. The entire day leading up to me getting the news was just awful. The walk to work was just exhausting and the day was so fucking long I could give you every detail. Leading towards the end of my shift I was cutting lemons and I randomly just broken down, because at that point I hadn’t talked to her in 2 weeks and I was scared. She had a check up at the hospital. She was sick. She had a bad heart and a blood clotting disease and she was loosing. I took care of her for years prior to this, is what I tell myself. But I was a horrible son. Yes, I took care of her, but that was when I was home. When I was 16 I spent more time at friend’s houses than my own bed. This was when she was first showing signs of illness. I guess I wanted to run away from how bad she was getting. The house was messy.
My dad was kinda the guy that kept my sister and I in line, but he wanted to stick his dick in everything and my mom wasn’t a fan of that so we left. I got diagnosed with depression a couple months later and used that as a crutch to not take care of myself or the house. It got better as I got older, but the older I got the sicker my mom got and by the time I was actually cleaning she could barely get out of bed.
So going back to the day. My uncles came down from a town over and broke the news to me in front of my job. I couldn’t cry. I tried, but nothing came out. It was raining. We ended up at my grandmas house and my sister and my mom’s best friend and dad were already there. I had to call my older siblings and break the news to them. It was awful. My dad convinced us he could actually step up and take care of her (which he is doing great at now!). I ended up living with my uncles.
I’m almost 22 now. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought of her. I’ve done so many cool things and became such a better person and it feels like nothing because I can’t walk into her room sit on her bed with her and tell her about my day. I loved doing that. She was such a good listener. Her birthday is 3 days after mine. She’s almost exactly 30 years older than me. When I turned 20 she would’ve been 50. Such important years and she didn’t get to experience that special day.
It should’ve been me. She touched so many people’s lives and changed all of them in the best possible way. She had no enemies and gave everyone as many chances they needed even if they didn’t deserve it. I’ve done nothing compared to that. I was I could trade my life for hers. Something in my life is missing and I can’t find anything to replace it. My heart hurts. I feel physical pain when I feel this sadness. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. She would always end a conversation with me with “love you bye”. When she left for the hospital I can’t remember if I said it back. It’s getting harder to remember her voice and I’m losing my mind about it. I’m still waiting for the “it gets better” part.
I’m not suicidal or anything of the sorts. My life is honestly great now, I just wish I could tell my mom about it.
TLDR; Tell your mom you love her and do better before she dies and you feel immense guilt for years.