Posting on a throw away account since my partner is on reddit a lot and I'm not sure if he follows this subreddit or now.
Now, I know ITA in this for many reasons. For feeling this way, for not walking away, for not being honest about it with my partner and of course for posting it on reddit. But it's definitely something I need to get off my chest, judgement be darned.
My partner (34m), let's call him "Jeremy" and I (37f) have been together for 6 years, married for 3. We both came into the relationship with a child from a previous relationship. My child, "Alex" (14m) I have had sole custody of since day one, with my ex's rights being termed when Alex was 2. My partner's son, "Luke" (11m) has been the focal point of an extremely messy divorce, which was filed when he was 3 and took about 3 years to get a custody order in place, with Jeremy getting sole legal and physical custody, his ex was given steps to complete to ensure Luke's safety when there was unsupervised time, but the ex decided to not comply and lost unsupervised time. So we have both boys, full time, 365 days a year.
The boys were 8 and 5 when Jeremy and I met. From the beginning I didn't feel an immediate connection to Luke. I had been with other partners that had kids where I did feel a very strong connection and love for the partner's child, but I convinced myself maybe that was just that it was a boy, the others had been girls and easy to connect with. Regardless I have always treated Luke as my own, as I don't find it just to do otherwise. It's not his fault or choice that things panned out the way they did. I always felt early on like time will change things and that connection will develop. It just needs time.
Well there's been time now and I still don't feel it. And now as he's getting older and getting closer to teen years, Luke's behaviors have been challenging as of late and I just find myself more and more frustrated that I'm going through this with a kid I don't feel connected to. What's worse is there's a lot of behaviors lately (lying/deceiving, sneaking to break rules, throwing temper tantrums whenever a consequence is enforced) that I feel like Jeremy doesn't take seriously either. Behaviors that I know if Alex were to do the same, Jeremey would not be tolerating and saying Alex knows better. If i point out that Luke should know better, Jeremy will defend that Luke has a mental deficit (Autism), but to me it's clear that's not the issue.
It doesn't help that Alex and Luke haven't been getting along well lately either. Which part of me realizes is par for the course, Alex is a teenager, doesn't always want to be bother by his little brother. Luke as a true little brother, pushes those buttons. But it's again a situation where I feel like there's excuses or no consequences for any behaviors that Luke does to Alex, and then a mess of conflicting information given to Alex about handling Luke (i.e. you aren't the boss of Luke, don't tell him what to do, but then if Luke does something dumb while we're out, it's 'Alex why didn't you tell him not to do it, you're the older brother'). So it all has Alex really frustrated and angry.
It just sometimes makes me wish we didn't have Luke full time. And I disgust myself to say that, and completely disgusted that thought lives in my head, cause it's not the type of person I try to be, the type of person I want to be. It makes me want to walk away from this marriage and that tears me because I feel like it's not fair to stay in a lie about how I feel, but it's also not fair for me to walk away from Luke, when I've been the mother in his life for more than half of it now, and he certainly does not remember a time when I wasn't around.
Like I said, I know and fully accept that I am TA here, so please be kind if you decide to comment. I feel extremely guilty about it. I don't know how to overcome it this feeling of the lack of connection, if I can even change it.
For all who read this far, thank you for reading and letting me rant.