u/False_Translator_370

Ive told friends, (NA) sponsors, even a therapist...

I strongly feel its the right thing to do in order to relieve some of my alienation, explain some of my behavior (regarding substance abuse) and potentially confront my abuser in the safest way possible, as he has proven himself to be a violent man in the past. When i believe/remember/am pretty positive happened: confronted him previously as a early teenager. Well after the abuse had stopped then, and certainly well after the abuse has stopped now years later as im on the cusp of my 20s.

Im skeptical that a case could even be built on him. And defense attorneys would eat my amnesia right up. They're most likely other victims if i were to guess.. so maybe.

The truth is whatever horrors i was exposed to when i was young present themselves in so many ways that I don't even know where to put it, in regards to specifics. I have reoccurring scenes, faces, ideas, emotions, sexual and bloody imagery. But its all a fog being completely honest. Im willing to say something definitely did happen.

was my dad involved. Should i tell my mother that i suspect him? This is the direction God is pushing me in. But i need some support. Cuz I do suspect him, thats MY TRUTH and it kills me every day living with him. I tell her, and everything goes up in fire. Whose going to make it out of the house alive kinda thing.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I’ve been so worried I feel sick and relapsed on my hedonistic cycle of substance abuse.

Currently chilling and listening to LA woman by the Doors while drinking whisky at 8:45 am. Something about the band always does me right. Wish me luck. I feel so bad about relapsing but it’s really no wonder. I forgive myself.

This is really scary tho. I’m paranoid he’s going to find out and attack me.

I thought i had my gender dysphoria sorted out, but i seriously dont know. I have alters that fall into every category.

males that want to be male and fit perfectly.

males that express with neutral or female expression (basically dont care or are trans)

females that get off on being male, and having a --

females that (and this is the worst) suffer this heart wrenching and embarrassing gender dysphoria

I give more power to the female side, but its really just not fair. I guess its just whatever goes with fashion. Which is sick i guess, cuz thats how it should be, parts of me imagine a life on hrt but other parts seriously dont want that.

which leads me to my next subject. fear.

i spend my days in absolute terror.

terror of my abuser, my dad. Terror of loosing to the terror and not being brave enough to sculpt out the life that i want, that i fantasize about. a life away from this horrible trail that rolls through my childhood. Ive wanted to run away since i was 13, when i wasnt brave enough, I then chose to commit suicide. A fear that ill always be alone and that im undeserving of life love, or even eating. I know its illogical. But mostly fear that something BAD is coming, like i keep getting premonitions about it. My father or brother attacking me. its sad, im so mentally ill. fear that whilst wrestling this horrible illness, and i think ending up on top. ive become burnt out and lost the spark i once had, through maybe even brain damage?? from all the stress. fear that its not over and the worst parts of me are going to come out and ill hurt myself or someone else. Fear that ill just up and die then thats it.

FEAR FEAR FEAR. every second of every day. All i can do is pray for and thank everything under the sun and nothing at all at the same time.

(no i havent started proper treatment yet, its taking forever i guess this was a vent)