Cycle of suffering
All my dreams and my thoughts are the same. I can’t trust anymore. I wanna feel pain and be numb. I wanna feel my body be torn apart limb by limb. Existing is so painful. I feel like I’m watching from the outside. I’m on pause while everyone is living. Watching others be normal while I’m struggling so bad to exist. Watching them have normal conversations while I’m terrified to speak. The unending pain and fear of thinking he’ll leave me. It hurts. He talks so easily with others. Only a matter of time before he finds someone else. He says I’m overreacting and I really hope I am but I can’t help but feel like he has someone else. The relief I’d feel to be squished like a bug. To feel my eyes pop out of my head and my brain turn to mush. I’ll never be normal. I’ll never not be mute. I’ll never be pretty enough. I’ll never be free from suffering. Why does my brain try so hard to hurt me? Physical pain would be so much easier. Constant torment that never seems to end. I wanna be freed. What’s the point of feeling better when I know the hurt will make its way back?