The night I (35F) found out my husband (m34) was having an affair, . I wanted to end my life for a brief moment. We have been together since 2010 and married since 2015. But then I literally snapped back to reality because I realized if I did that, I would forever be seen as a woman that took her life because of a man. Because of infidelity. Which so many people have survived and moved past. I did not want that for myself. We also have children and I would never want to abandon them. The thought shook me because why did I immediately go there? After some time I realized my life had been ripped away from me. I was blindsided by his actions. He was all I knew for a large part of my life and in that moment I chose flight. I panicked because everything was falling apart and I wanted to flee. I understand that now. This was in October and it's been a rollercoaster since. So much betrayal and it's like I didn't even know him. But between hysterical bonding, moving into separate rooms, experiencing normalcy, moving back into the room , me spiraling again, I'm just exhausted. We know how to be friends, we have so much history so it's not always doom and gloom and tension. We have no problem communicating and he is giving me my space and I do sense genuine change from him. I know, cue eye rolls and all that. I find myself saying I can do this , I can heal and we have a lot of work to do but I'm willing to do it. Then the grief suffocates me again and again. He's given me every detail. Has answered every question, doing all the things one should do as the betrayer seeking healing. From a logical, therapist point of view, I can see how he allowed himself to make these choices. That does not alleviate the hurt for me in any way.
Ugh I was rambling but I'm not going back to proof read.
All of that to say, a new level of pain has been unlocked today. His infidelity has triggered and resurfaced suppressed memories that I simply cannot deal with. I'm sitting here and realizing I have experienced so much pain and trauma at the hands of men since childhood. Men that were supposed to protect me. Men are not safe. That is my experience. I've been hurt by them, I've seen other people(not just women) hurt by them. I feel that feeling of ending my life creeping up on me because how can I sift through all of this pain right now. While raising children and working and continuing the day to day. My demanding job , the state of the world , memories of sexual abuse. How can one live like this? I feel it affecting me as a mother. I'm lost in my grief and I'm struggling to find a way out. Right now I'm just a mom who cries. A sad mom. A detached mom. I feel my children slipping away and I'm missing small moments. It's breaks my heart but also pushes me in the wrong direction because there's a terrible thought of relief : "I'm already detached from them and they feel detached from me, my absence will not be significant and they can live good lives without me"
I hate this pain. It's not just infidelity. It's the psychological abuse and damage. It's the reality that men are not safe and that will never change.