How sad is my life?
30m here. I think I'm on the spectrum but never got a formal diagnosis. After all what's the point other than a label on my medical record with no cure?
Anyways, I've struggled with forming friendships my whole life and after a lifelong of "friendships" turning hostile/toxic, I developed a very cynical view of human interaction and am happy to live alone.
I've never had a relationship. In college, I always thought it would be like the movies where I meet a girl and we hit it off. That never happened. 4 years flashed by with nothing happening. I never had anyone I really liked who wasn't single. I never actively sought anyone out via dating apps due to fear of the unknown and the awkwardness of using platforms like Tinder. I did attend social events and parties but no girls ever showed interest in me either. I know theres this whole culture where the guy is supposed to be the one to initiate but I have social difficulties and find it really hard to talk to strangers irl. Over text, I'm great at finding words and can even flirt naturally but as soon as I'm expected to talk in person, my brain can't keep up.
Now that I'm 30, its harder to keep my body in shape, despite exercising regularly. I also have had really bad gyno for my entire life which makes me hate myself and want to avoid putting myself out there even more. I think its over for me in terms of dating opportunities. The last few girls that I talked to online tried to hide the fact that they already had bfs they referred to as "friends" when they were obviously more than that. And then they would pretend to be interested in me and ask for money because their bfs were jobless.
Honestly, I'm sick of it all. If I were either better looking, or wasnt on the spectrum I'm pretty sure I wouldnt have trouble finding a partner. Instead I have the worst of both worlds. Most people at this age already had their fun and approach relationships as a transactional (does he have enough money, is he husband material). It just feels wrong and I suspect I'll be single the rest of my life waiting for someone who doesnt come across like that.