This won't be around my story, but the one thing we all have in common, the journey following a discard/break-up. Mine was more of a breakup after only ~2 months of dating, here are things I can GUARANTEE (or not) for those who had NO conflict/toxicity/betrayal:
- Stuff I did to heal quickly:
- I listed everything I did for them, and everything they did for me, it was so 1 sided against them that it did 50% of the work in a span of 10minutes for me (I'll list some of the things I did for them way below for reference, you wouldn't believe it)
- I listed everything rude/bad/not good they did towards me, and pretty much ALL of them are things that make someone feel small, irrelevant, ugly, annoying, etc.. So our brains start using that as a baseline of ourselves, which puts us in the losing/inferior end, ESPECIALLY if we are anxious people to start with, bad combination
- I listed FACTS of what's true so my brain CANNOT lie/delude me, such as:
- Them still orbiting after break up, showing their emotional need for me
- Them messaging me for emotional security WHILE with their rebound, so that confirmed their rebound is distraction/cope, never a replacement, that DOESN'T mean if they DON'T message you that your replaced you, I was just lucky to get that feedback
- Their social media behaviour changing to "subtly" show their newfound happiness and connection was a complete detour to their online persona, aka confirmed for me it's a distraction/cope, and way to convince everyone (you included) they are moved on and not hurting, but think about it, do you post on social media everytime you're happy? Or only when you are trying to send a message 😉
- Mine was nice to me should we speak, but avoided me as much as possible, so them blocking/ignoring/avoiding you isn't because you didn't matter, it's because you did/do, we don't avoid random people do we? We avoid those who trigger/move something in us
- Mine put captions indirectly pointed at me, not to hurt me, but to tell me "I moved on", if you did, why make posts/captions for it 😉. Don't buy the social media act, they have pride, issues being vulnerable, so this is textbook facade behaviour, read that again
- As much as you don't want to hear it, they DON'T choose to be avoidant, you know how our response is to LOVE more and CARE more when they leave? It feels RIGHT and natural for us to do that, it's the same for them but in the opposite direction. Imagine someone telling you that drinking acid is good for you, sounds crazy right? Their brain is literally WIRED from childhood to see intimacy that way (MAJORITY of them), so don't expect a baby to speak fluent english from birth, once I accepted that, I realized I need nothing from her, no closure, no jealousy, no apology, I just move onm wish best for her, don't look back
- Them completely ghosting you OR breaking up with you with/without tears: happened because you managed to touch a deeper part of them that hasn't been touched likely in a long time, so pat yourself on the back, them "moving on" is because you mattered, you DON'T need their validation to confirm that (especially yall anxious folks - coming from healing anxious, way more secure now, our brains SPECIFICALLY needs external validation/confirmation to believe something is true, which is why we need closure, but that's only in our heads, we don't actually, closure is a choice)
- When they rebound (most often do): it's again... because you likely mattered and shook something inside of them, and since they are better throwing a blanket to hide a pile of shit (their issues, not them as people), they choose to hide/avoid/bury the grief/regret/guilt etc.. Most will LIKELY feel the guilt/pain heavily, BUT here's the catch... IF you lash out, act bitter, retaliate, in any way, it will make it LESS likely they will feel the guilt/grief/pain. The hardest part is ALL of us are human, and we WANT to lash out and let loose after all the good we did, but that alone will actually let them tell themselves "see? they toxic, I made the right choice, I knew it", and that allows them to AVOID accountability and change, and will continue doing it to others. The best revenge, is no contact OR very distant but polite responses (initiated by them only), or just block/ignore them completely if you don't think you have the self control to do so, respect to you anyways. Along with moving on with your life, it's hard obviously, because we invested our energy, time, effort, affection, money, etc.. on someone who just ACTED like it didn't matter. True regret is moving on so far and furiously that they are left in the dust behind you, and only then will they truly understand and reflect what they lost. Taking them back UNLESS they are truly self aware AND seeking help/therapy actively (which let's be honest, is RARE and unlikely unless MANY years pass with the above help)
- STOP letting that tinker of "hope" mess with your brain: their consistent actions and growth are what you look for IF you want to be open to them in the future, but it will 99.9% repeat unless the above work is done for YEARS and action is shown for YEARS, it ain't worth your life. You're allowed to feel sad, depressed, anxious, let it run it's course, but DON'T let those emotions decide for you. You know how you feel about them RIGHT now? There IS someone out there that can be that for you, WITHOUT the toxic tendencies, and the longer you sit around crying, the less likely you will meet them, remember that
- STOP telling yourself "I lost _": you're subconsciously putting them on the pedestal, and lowering yourself, I promise if you list what you lost vs what they lost, they lost A LOT more, but their behaviour/demeanor EXTERNALLY makes it look like you lost more, don't delude yourself. It will take time for them to feel it, weeks, months, maybe years
- STOP telling yourself "If i did this better, or that better, they would stay": that's exactly the issue, the BETTER you do, the FASTER they leave. The whole point of "doing better" is so they feel safe/connected/happy, and the better you do that, the closer they feel to you, and guess what that means? Discard/breakup time. So it would have happened sooner or later, if you know you made mistakes, fix them, otherwise stop hashing the past, you're creating pain that would have had you here anyways
Things I did for mine (I'm furthest thing from a yes man, but I am very helpful and supportive, and extremely emotionally aware/intelligent), 8 weeks together, very healthy/happy, all the good stuff you name it:
- Helped her navigate her trauma through HER effort, which began showing signs of self acceptance
- Literally got a predator kicked out of a shared facility because he was harrassing her, a grown ass man, I physically protected her, and put so much pressure through connections/friends until the guy eventually tapped out and never came back
- Planned dates, made her laugh, feel comfortable, seen, understood
- Literally did my work AND monitored her (through her desire) before the predator guy left, so she was constantly protected and safe
- I assured her through life stressors, supported her during physical rehab, and remained so consistent she literally messaged me saying how my consistency is scary for her
The list could go on for a long while, and yes she was attracted, interested, we talked about values, dating, marriage, etc.. flirted, joked, everything. Until one day, she's not attracted/interested.
Keep this if it helps you move on, good luck.