Is my A relationship fixable? Trying not to compare partners A and B
Hello,
So I (27m bisexual) have been in a relationship with Apple (22m) for 9 months and Banana (35afab nb) for 6 months.
I am bisexual but mostly attracted to female bodies. I can feel emotions and a certain level of sexuality for men, but physically it doesn't compare to women.
When Apple approached me around a year ago I was intrigued but not immediately attracted. I thought he was a little young, although mature for his age, and not totally my physical type.
However we had a really strong friendship connection from the get go, with fun banter and a lot of interests and views in common. Our first couple months were great. The sex still wasn't my favorite but I was able to climax most of the time and we enjoyed ourselves. I felt pretty emotionally close with him and it seemed like the start of something great
Then 2-3 months in, Banana showed up and rocked my world. It was like I found exactly what I was looking for in a partner. Physically, emotionally, as time went on I just felt more and more attracted to them as well as incredibly safe and confident in our communication.
When me and Banana have issues, I know we will talk it out quickly and plainly or they will let me know they're not in the headspace, and then we revisit it in a mature manner and deal with it compassionately and asap.
With Apple, I'm afraid to bring up issues because he often shuts down and doesn't talk for hours, or it becomes much more emotionally charged and stressful. So therefore I don't communicate as much because I know it has the potential to ruin our whole day. I've told him this
Me and Banana have incredible sex, I feel so connected to them and we've had times that even feel like spiritual moments. With Apple I often don't want to have sex, and have to force myself to do it like a chore. He doesn't like kissing and attempts to feel closer just feel fake or like a friend compared to the natural intimacy I feel with Banana. It is nearly impossible for me to orgasm with Apple now.
I don't feel like this is NRE, because both relationships are relatively new. I don't feel obsessive or overwhelming thoughts about Banana. It's simply I feel safer in their presence, more connected, and more emotionally / physically attracted.
It's like when Banana entered the picture, the medium level of emotional and physical attraction I had for Apple just dipped wayyy down to like 10%
It makes me sad because I want him to be happy, and I've told him I hope he can find the connection he needs elsewhere- but despite having other partners he wants that with me
Another thing throwing a wrench into the situation is about 3 months ago Apple got a job 1 hr 45 min from his home. He took it because he was desperate and couldn't find anything closer.
He hates the commute and has started staying at my house as often as he can (because I am only 45 min away)
I told him from the beginning I didn't want to live together for a long time, but it has turned into a situation where he often begs to stay up to 5 or 6 days a week at my place when I originally promised him 3 (still a lot for me)
Apple's not good at handling it when I tell him no, because he hates the drive and has issues with his other partner at home. I've tried to be firm with my boundaries but it's really challenging
And then me coming home after a long day to him, he will often expect sex and it just feels like a chore to me which is weakening my attraction further
We've talked about all this and he feels like I'm pouring too much energy into Banana and not leaving any for him
But things with Banana are just *easier* It's not that we don't have conflict, but it gets resolved in a much healthier way. I am much more sexually attracted to them, I feel emotionally closer, more supported, respected, and understood.
I don't have to fight for my boundaries with Banana because they hear them once and listen, it's not a back and forth like with Apple
I'm not feeling confident in my relationship with Apple, but I don't want to lose him from my life. We do have a fun dynamic and he helps me with things like groceries and chores when he stays here. It's just hard to convince myself to work on something when it feels harder and less rewarding than the other option
Is there possibility to fix this or am I just beating my head against a wall?
Thank you
TL;DR
I (27m bisexual) have a partner of 9 months ("Apple" 22m gay) and one of 6 months ("Banana" 35nb afab).
As soon as I got partner "Banana" I lost what little attraction I had for "Apple". I feel emotionally and physically closer with B and resolve conflict better. With Apple all this feels like a chore or a challenge. It doesn't seem like NRE to me with Banana.
Apple has also started pushing my boundaries to live at my house more than what I am comfortable with, and wants more sex than I do, which is stressing me out.
I feel more and more like pouring energy into Banana and my relationship with Apple is on the rocks