I (30 f) recently defended my PhD thesis. It went really well. Among other things, I’m proud to have been commended for my clarity and pedagogy.
The last few months have been really difficult. I wrote my manuscript in three months, working nights and weekends over the summer.
At the end, I was absolutely exhausted. I took a month-long vacation where I spent 75 % of my time sleeping, and I then went back to work for two months to prepare for my oral defense, while still having to travel for professional obligations.
During this time, my partner (35 M ) has been my rock, and my colleagues have given me a lot of support.
For example, since I was too exhausted and stressed out to ever think about it, they organized for me the formal after party, offered many supportive messages, and very thoughtful gifts.
I'm very grateful, but this did highlight a large discrepancy with my family.
I currently live in the same country as my maternal family, at a four-hour train ride.
For context, my parents separated a few months after my birth. My mother and I lived with her parents (now 80) and her young adult sister (now 50F) for two years. My mother then found a job when I was three, and we moved less than an hour away. She got married a few years later, leading to the birth of my two other siblings (20f 23m), and is currently divorced.
I'm very grateful to my grandparents and aunt for taking care of me as a child and supporting me in my studies, even if my mother disapproved.
My father was mostly absent during my childhood, though I did spend every other weekend at his place during my teenage years. I went fully no contact with my father and all his family at age 15 for issues related to domestic violence.
My current relationship with my mother is one of polite but very low contact. She tends to be invasive and insulting when given the occasion, so I try not ot give her any. The rest of the family knows that, though my grandma often pushes against it.
I admit that my relationship with my remaining family is distant. I find both phone and text messaging extremely stressful and tiring. I used to call my grandmother as a weekly chore, but couldn't maintain this rhythm through the last few months of fatigue.
While the actual defense organisation went reasonably smoothly, thanks to all the help I received, the family side has been harder. I knew I did not want my mother here, but that saying so would provoke a conflict I did not have the energy to bear.
I waited until a month before the due date to tell my grandmother, asking her to wait to announce it so I could make an announcement myself the next day to the extended family.
I did not have the time. By evening, my mother had announced Instead of me my defense in all the family communication channels.
All congratulations were directed to her only, and when I interjected to add actual information, including the place and hour of the event, I was either ignored entirely or people thanked her.
Among the important information I added was the fact that I needed to inform my workplace security of people who would come locally.
Two members of my extended family decided to come but did not inform me at all. I discovered this randomly from my grandma the day before the defense, and had to scramble to get them authorizations.
My defense took place on Friday afternoon. Here/For context, it is customary to spend the morning before and lunch with family and to spend the evening after with colleagues, having a drink and thanking them.
My grandparents are getting old, and they have had several health issues in recent years.
My grandmother has expressed several times that seeing one of her grandchildren graduating with a PhD was important to her (and even a reason to “stay alive”).
My little sister did an excellent job of organizing the trip to my city for herself, my grandmother, and our mother, so she could be present at the defense.
They arrived on Thursday and did not wish to meet since they were too tired from travelling.
My mother and sister sent a large number of photos and negative opinions about our local Christmas Market into the family chat. The next morning, they decided to sleep in and have lunch at their Hotel, rather than meet me.
I did feel a bit excluded, like my family didn't want to see me, even if I knew those were rational reasons.
The defense itself went extremely well. While the jury debated, my family talked among themselves and mostly ignored me (They had not seen the other two cousins in a while. I had not seen them either for nearly 10 years, as I have been systematically not invited to any extended family occasions since I left my mother’s home). They also joked several time about my how my work is incomprehensible.
Fortunately, my partner and colleagues were present and did their best to keep me company during this stressful wait time before the final announcement.
The after-party also went well, though my family said they were tired and were the first to leave.
The next morning, I was really tired. I let my partner organize a meet-up with my family, and at his insistence they finally agreed. Note that they did not wish to eat at a restaurant to commemorate the occasion, as they had done so together on the evening before, and felt too tired for more celebration.
We joined them in their hotel’s hall and ate some bakery’s pizza they had found while visiting the city in the morning.
They did congratulate me on my defense and offered their own gift. A pen they bought from Amazon, and it was not even personalized. They used the seller’s card as a congratulatory card, but since it was so small, they could only write their names.
For comparison, my colleagues came together to gift me several personal hobby gifts and a notebook with supportive messages. My most recently arrived colleague, a nice guy I had only met twice at the time, wrote a longer message than all of my family.
We left after lunch. My family went back home the next evening and spent most of their remaining time visiting. I did not have the energy to push for another meetup, and they did not offer.
My other cousins had left in the morning, so I did not get to see them, but they left me a nice, polite message written on the hotel papers.
I don't want to be ungrateful, but I really felt like my family did not make any effort to celebrate me. I know it's unfair, because they went through a several-hour train ride to see me present, but they also made no effort to actually spend time with me or congratulate me more than with basic politeness. The card is really a sore point. They could have grabbed one at any point while waiting at the train station or visiting the city, and they didn't.
Here is where I did wrong: it's been a few months since, and I barely gave any news to my family. I called for birthdays, and that’s it.
I used to call my grandmother every week to support her as she is often stuck at home due to age, but now I just can’t. Every time I try, my stomach twists, I feel like crying, and I can't make myself do it. My aunt and grandmother have called and sent messages, urging me to give news (mostly about my professional situation) and expressing their worry, but I can't make myself answer.
Now, my official diploma ceremony is coming soon, and I'm allowed a second guest. I wish to have someone representing my family here, and my aunt lives nearby enough that she would probably be able to come. I haven't asked her yet, first because I’d need to explain why I haven't been communicating (or she won’t allow any other subject until I do), and second because emotionally it feels like I’m begging for scraps in a way.
So here are my choices, as they have been offered to me:
Cut them off ( advised by my partner, friends, and therapist). I don’t want to, as I've already lost the other side of my family due to abuse, and I am not ready to be alone in the world.
Suck it up, say I'm sorry, and I was just tired without explaining more. I’m worried about giving my family another chance to ruin an important event, and anyway, I can’t make myself call.
Call my grandmother or my aunt and try to explain how they hurt me ( first advised by my therapist). First, I fear it will not help but just hurt my family. They won't actually understand and likely will blame me for hurting them, for being awful and ungrateful, etc. It also feels frustrating that I have to explain that they should show that they care about important events in my life.
My last idea was to do the explanation in a written message, explaining I’m okay, why I'm hurt, and asking for space. This is going to get a similar result as the previous one, but at least I won't get bulldozed before I’m done explaining.
I don’t really like any of these solutions, and it does not tell me what to do with the empty spot for the ceremony.
Do you have any advice on how to act maturely in this situation, or even how to get over the hurt?
I'm willing to answer questions if you need more info.
Sorry for the text’s quality. English is not my mother tongue.
Tl:dr: My family came to my PhD defense but avoided actually spending time with me or any personal congratulations. Now the diploma ceremony is coming soon, I’m hurt and I don’t know how to proceed.