I [F 26] don't really know if I'm AroAce or something.
I don't really know What I am, sexuality wise.
For context, I am on the autism spectrum and have identified as Bisexual since high school. I've never had any interest in dating, never dated or anything like that. Sometimes it's hard for me to really tell what it is I am feeling though.
I had crushes in high school, don't get me wrong. There were 3 guys in particular, but two of them seemed to be purely sexual attraction (they were both kind of assholes that I wasn't into personality wise but they were hot)
The third was a friend of mine who I sorta developed feelings for? But also, it was Senior Year and I felt pressured to be in some kind of relationship before graduating so I could have someone to live with in the future. I wanted to move out soon enough after high school, and in my dumb teenager mind I thought "If I get in a relationship, then we can live together and figure things out!"
Thankfully in hindsight, it didn't work out between us like that. I still feel like I felt something there at the time, though the feelings has disappeared since college. It Didn't feel like lust though, I just genuinely liked him a lot. He was a really chill friend and I just vibed with him.
Theres actually a fourth crush prior to all three of them, but I don't know if I can even call it that? It was a crush on a childhood friend, but I never really imagined us in any romantic scenarios? It was more like I wanted us to be together as best buds forever - never quite pictured Much romance? At some point in high school I will admit, he got pretty hot. But beyond those hormonal feelings, that was it?
I remember him telling me that he wanted to just be friends, nothing more. And I was pretty sad. Not because I was rejected, but because I realized that one day we wouldn't be best friends anymore like we were then because he'd get married to someone else and forget about his friends like me. It always feels like in society that the spouse takes priority over your friends, so it seemed like a tragic inevitability (unless we were married ourselves, but again. No interest in doing the married stuff, just fun roommate stuff.)
From then on, I've found men and women attractive along the way. I found a lot of girls in my grade cute too, and maybe I had crushes on them too? Not any that I actively "pursued" (aka thought about outside of school) but thats probably cuz I didn't realize it til right after high school.
Since then, I've never really had feelings for anyone in that sort of way. The closest I have are my many fictional crushes on both male and female characters.
But that feels different to me. My fictional crushes are more on an artistic level of appreciating their design, personality and story. Like yeah I find the characters attractive in appearance and personality, but at the same time, I can't really get off to them in the same way someone would get off to a hot anime girl.
Come to think of it, I've only really found women hot in that sort of conventionally sexy way. Like I can't see myself going to see male strippers - that kinda Magic Mike stuff does absolutely nothing for me. But seeing beautiful ladies sounds very nice to me. I don't know if I'd wanna engage with them sexually, just that they're really pretty and I'd like to see them perform.
All the female characters I've crushed on were mostly conventionally attractive women, while all the male characters I crush on are more unconventional looking dudes. For example, crushing on Queen Beryl from Sailor Moon vs Buggy the Clown from One Piece.
I can't imagine myself with a character or person in a relationship or having sex or anything - at least not from a first person perspective in my head. When I imagine that sort of thing, it feels more like...I'm watching a movie or a show. I'm witnessing it happen but I'm not actively in it?
Dating to me feels no different than hanging out. Being married feels no different to me than being roommates. All of that minus the romance and sex, which...I don't know doesn't really appeal to me? I wouldn't mind having sex with someone someday but it's not something I think about much outside of my art. Outside of drawing porn or attractive characters in sexy pin up poses.
Am I AroAce? BiAro? Something else? All I know is that I don't have an interest in kissing and romantic stuff. But I wouldn't mind being with someone and just spending life with them. Sex is whatever to me, but not something I would mind either. I'm just still trying to figure things out and idk, just wanted to hear some outside voices on the matter. This is actually the only sorta reason why I made a Reddit in the first place actually...