I’m a pre-t trans man scared of transitioning. Is this normal?
So I’m 17 and a FtM trans man, but I haven’t really socially transitioned at all. I’ve basically been “girlmoding“ because I don’t pass. I don’t bother telling people I’m trans because I don’t want them to view me strangely because it’s happened before back in middle school (never ever come out as trans in middle school, trust me. kids are RUTHLESS).
I have a job now, and I just realized how close I am to being able to afford HRT, which I’ve done TONS of research on and have heard from firsthand accounts what it would be like. It would be a big step towards transitioning, and I‘m extremely excited… or was. I started thinking about what would happen, and then I started realizing how much of me would change. I always daydreamed about the changes and what I would look like afterwards… but what if I end up being even more unhappy than I was before?? What if I’m not as happy as everyone else seems to be? I’ll have to come out to people at my workplace and to family friends and more as well, and socially transitioning is scary since everyone treated me differently when I came out the first time. I do tend to overthink things, so maybe I’m overthinking this too, but it makes me wonder if I’m not truly the man I say I am since I’m doubting it so much.
After coming out in middle school and promptly being disrespected and gaslit by the people around me, I just told myself that it wasn’t real and stayed in the closet until two years ago. I could never go back to calling myself a “girl”. I played around with the enby label, but that didn’t feel right either. Being a man is what felt right, but what if all those people who told me otherwise are actually right? It’s like I don’t trust myself to make my own decisions.
All this is to say: Was anyone else scared to take HRT? Or to transition in any way? Am I wrong for feeling this way? If not, how did you overcome your fear? Do you have any stories to tell that might make me feel better? Anything would help.