As a Very Not-Demi Person, Asking Demisexual People Advice (LONG)
I am very allosexual. Stats for context: 34NB, masc-androgynous AMAB, polyamorous, bisexual/pansexual, autistic.
Anyway, I’m very allosexual. I like sex for its own sake, and it’s very important to me that a partner feels the same way. This applies EVEN IF I want a serious relationship. Perhaps especially then.
I absolutely hate the idea of a slow burn. Reason being, in the past I have had bad experiences with slow-burn types. It’s less about the principle, and more about my lived experiences.
I used to give demisexual people a chance. After all, I like to vet someone a little bit too. But this is 100 percent for safety and 0 percent because I need a “connection” to form first. Like I said, I’m not even a little bit demi.
(I actually do like a bit of connection, but most demi people seem to define that word differently than I do).
Just like how a lot of people on this subreddit feel lonely because everyone seems to want sex, I feel lonely because so many people in my dating pool seems to be Demi. In the past, I have accepted a “slow burn” because I didn’t want to come across as crass. I feel a lot of social pressure to tone down my sexuality in general.
When I have, this has been the result so far: Even after things become sexual, there is a deep sense of mismatch. I feel a sense of mismatch, but cannot quite put my finger on it. The sex slows down, and I feel judged for wanting it. But I also (in the past) have felt like I can’t confront them about it for fear of pressuring them.
Eventually, the discordant energy comes to a head. The person breaks up with me, or else I break up with them because the energy/communication is off. Either way, it is clear that my high sex drive and allosexual nature is a problem for them.
At that point, it feels worse than a regular breakup. It’s one thing when things have just run their course, or circumstances come up. But it’s a lot worse to me when I feel judged or rejected for being a sexual being. It feels like body-shaming in a way, since my sexual energy is part of my body. It’s like the difference between not dating someone who is fat, versus dating someone who is fat but trying to guilt-trip them into getting skinnier. If that makes any sense.
My true preference is casual but consistent. My second choice is a hookup. Admittedly hookups can be kind of empty sometimes, oftentimes rejection happens afterwards, but I still prefer that over a “slow burn.”
I’m also interested in a more serious relationship/relationships than that. Ironically, the first thing we would have to be on the same page about is we both have to like sex for its own sake.
Like I literally would rather be celibate (for a while) than deal with a “slow burn.” At least that way it frees up energy for other things.
I think autism also plays a role in all this for the following reasons:
—> I have a lot of food sensitivities, and I don’t drink alcohol, both of which are common for autistic people. Therefore restaurant and bar dates are pretty much out. I sometimes resort to hookups for that reason.
—> When I was younger, I used to mask a lot on dates. This led me to a more submissive mentality (and not in the fun way) where I kind of tried to adapt myself to whatever the other person wanted. I assumed that I had to fit myself into a “normal” mold. I assumed everyone else was more “normal” than me even when they were super-weird in reality
—> I feel like, as autistic people, we are often pigeonholed into sexless roles or stereotypes. Think Sheldon Cooper or Love On the Spectrum. (I despise that show by the way). I feel like certain people project onto me that I will be the sexless professor of their dreams. I may be a deep feeler and a deep thinker and someone with knowledge of reading, math, science, history, et cetera. But I’m not sexless, and hate when people project that onto me! It happens more often than you might think.
Because of everything in this entry so far, I have recently taken to blanket-rejecting all demisexual people on dating apps. After all, I want to avoid situations like I have experienced in the past. I know that I am not compatible with the vast majority of y’all.
At the same time, I struggle with explaining that, because I don’t want to come off scary or pressuring. I used to think that only applied to people more feminine than me (I’m masculine but not fully so). In fact, I even sympathize with that as I have experienced sexual pressure, harassment, and even assault from men. That’s actually one reason why I used to go along with it (misguided I know). But it was a special kind of humiliation the first time a demisexual man rejected me over that!
But I know I have to make it clear how I am, so as to avoid energy-sucking arrangements.
Ironically, a lot of the complaints I read from y’all on here mirror my own struggles in dating. Opposite reason but same format. As such, I have respect for demisexuals and what y’all go through. Just like how I was born this way, y’all were born that way too. To return to the body-shaming analogy, skinny-shaming is just as bad as fat-shaming.
I want to respect the demisexual community by not dating incompatible people.
But sometimes I wonder if I’m being close minded just because I had a few bad experiences. There were also usually communication issues on top of sexual incompatibility.
Are there demisexual people that someone like me might feel mutual with? If so, how might I broach the subject to determine compatibility?
Or should I just continue swiping left on demisexuals every time?
I felt like reaching out to the other side today.
Any advice is appreciated.
To anyone who read this far, please have a blessed day, and I hope you all find the slow-burn romance of your dreams (if that’s what you want) ✨