I don’t know what to do
Maybe I’ll start with, I love my husband, but I’m not sure I like him anymore. We are both 30, have been together since we were 19, and we have a 3 year old. He’s a truly nice guy who tries so hard to be a good dad and husband but that only makes me resent him because I feel like I can’t be upset with him. The years since we got married have been really hard. I lost my best friend, Covid happened and we were both essential workers, his mom was diagnosed with and passed from ALS, both of our grandmothers passed away, and we both have had ongoing health issues (we live normally most days, but they both can be debilitating at times). Our son has also had some scary health issues, but is luckily doing fine now. We’ve both done therapy, me for only a few sessions, him more long term as he works through some trauma.
Here’s where I get stuck. I am used to being in charge of everything and I get easily annoyed when things are done what I perceive to be the wrong way or lazily. My husband does the dishes, puts all the laundry away, and cleans the bathrooms but anything else I need to leave him a list to do. This drives me crazy because it leads to me needing to constantly manage what needs to be done on top of all the other parenting and household things. Plus, the stuff he cleans isn’t even typically done completely. For example, will put the nesting bowls away just thrown under the counter instead of picking up the top ones so it nests properly. He regularly just shoves clothes in the drawers barely folded, and if I point out a spot is missed somewhere he loses his mind. I don’t often point things out, from my perspective, but if I even just redo something, he will ask why I do tell him. This has been ongoing in our relationship, when I met him he couldn’t even make his own bed. He won’t take initiative to do anything but if I start he will suddenly go “yea I was going to do that tomorrow.”
He has also gained about 50 pounds and while I love him no matter the weight, he is at a point where he is not healthy and has developed sleep apnea. This may be our biggest struggle, at first he couldn’t stay awake which I understood, after using the cpap for a while this now feels very selective. He will fall asleep almost every time he puts our son to sleep but will lay in bed on his phone. I’ve had three jaw surgeries and can’t even take my pain meds at night because he will not wake up to our son crying at night and I have to stay awake even on the nights he does put our son down so that I can go wake him up so he can go to bed.
It feels like I am carrying everything and I am exhausted. I make more money and carry the entire mental load at home but he thinks I have it easy because I work from home. I have to remind him to call his family and plan those events with his family. But everyone loves him, my parents say I’m the issue because I’m too picky and I’m just exhausted. I think it would be easier to live without him at this point but financially that would be really hard and I like us as a family. We just feel like roommates at this point, and not even good ones.
Sorry this was so long, I’ve been holding this all in for so long.