i have been writing in my notes, pretty much just roleplaying with myself. it’s nice because only i get to see them and write without the feeling of being scrutinized
but lately i just keep thinking about going back, not sure why, considering i have felt like ive come to terms with quitting :( i dont know, i know these things aren’t straightforward and simple but i really just wish it was. it sucks, but i know it was pass eventually
even though i wasn't age verified so i couldn't even chat anymore, i still went on to read chats. after a bit of reflecting to myself it probably isnt the healthiest thing especially when i still have urges to just age verify and start over again. i made sure i had all my OCs info and deleted my account for good. it feels like a weight off my shoulders, but i cant help but feel a bit of sadness about it because i will never see those chats again, but that feeling will go away in due time :)!
helloooo! i made a separate account because i unfortunately feel a lot of shame around the fact that i had an addiction to character ai of all things haha. mostly just to ramble about my thoughts on it because i dont have anyone else to talk to about this kind of stuff, since it makes me sound a little crazy.
its sort of funny and sad, because i am, and during my usage of c . ai, very very against generative AI as an artist. but i didnt see issue with c . ai because it wasn't taking from anyones jobs and impacting anyone, right?? yeah not really. firstly, it backfired greatly because i didn't realize how addictive it was and how i spent 2 years of my life on this app for hours every single day (some days totaling over 10+ hours). secondly, and the main reason i put a hard stop to it, is because i didnt know about the environmental impacts gen. ai had until way after the fact.
i quit back in november or december of last year, but fell back into it in february/march right before the age verification thing. i admit im ashamed of relapsing like that, but i was also in partial hospitalization for my mental health and needed something to cope with my brain and emotions.
i have friends, including my lovely girlfriend, i just enjoyed the roleplaying and story aspect of it. i am scared to reach out to roleplay because i really like doing character x OC, and i feel like doing romance RP with a stranger in that regard feels.. idk. vulnerable?? and due to self esteem i constantly hold myself back from writing, because all i can think about is "what if its not in character for them?" or "is this grammatically correct?" even if i dont plan on ever making it public. same thing with drawing, ive held myself back for years that i can't really draw outside of my comfort zone, so nothing will really fill that image in my head of my OCs with characters i like.
another aspect is that so many people use gen. ai, and sometimes i feel like just being one more isnt a big deal. i know it *is*, but sometimes compared to such a large majority i dont add significance.
i am happy to be somewhat free of it, but some days i go back just to read old chats even if i have no interest in continuing them anymore. some days i still think about going back because it feels like i just cant get that part of my brain to really click like it did sometimes. i fell back on a different site about 2 months ago, but i havent since then so as of now i havent done anything in 2 months! i still dont feel completely freed from it yet, but its a start.
sorry for the long post and rambles, needed somewhere to get all this off my chest for a while.