4 year LDR relationship gone.
I (21m) got broken up with by my gf of four years (21f) last week. Relatively out of the blue, but there were signs. She had expressed fear etc of our future what it may hold, visa issues etc etc. But we were together 17-21 and since we were 17 through 20 we were aligned she was working hard I was working hard and the goal was after college to close the distance and be together.
The issue comes in here, our last year was sort of rocky. She started a new hobby in which she met some new friends a few years older than us (think 24-26 ish) and arguably what you would think most people in their 20s do they did, think partying, hooking up with people etc. At face value they seemed fine, but to my gf who has been an over achiever, and someone who felt as if she had a plan, I guess this became a “culture shock” and sort of recalibrated her.
She used to go to clubs with girlfriends before and I was cool with it, why stop my partner just cause I’m not physically there. And she was very respectful all things considered, but when these new friends came in (guys and girls) she started drinking and partying way more, often every weekend. So she would be super busy during the week and would justify her partying both days of the weekend as unwinding. Again I said okay that’s fine makes sense, even though I was wanting some time to maybe have a chill movie night or just chat. To be fair she did try to “fit me in” when she could, but the comparison was jarring her friends would get way way more of her.
Important to note, that this guy who lived near her would give her rides to functions etc, he likes her but she rejected him and what not and I set a boundary saying hey I’m not comfortable with you getting rides with him and that was respected.
Fast forward to last week, she went on a trip with these people, full on bender type drinking to blackout like 4 days in a row. She comes back etc and admittedly I am anxiously attached and sort of dumped emotions on her cause I was holding in a lot and from then she started this whole break up thing.
For the last week I gave her space, but she was posting like everything was okay, like I didn’t matter, etc. but I overly did stuff for her took massive care of her showed her so much love, we were planning for a beautiful future and when we visited each other it was like a perfect relationship.
But we had our final breakup convo a few days ago, in which she admitted she needed to “find herself” and that this lifestyle that she’s choosing is the one she wants, albeit I believe a low frequency one (esp considering we had a plan and one we actively worked towards) then she admitted during that trip when we were talking as much she felt better without me, and this last week when I was sitting in my room upset DURING FINALS AND A WEEK BEFORE MY COLLEGE GRADUATION she was partying and felt “free” she is almost textbook avoidant but we were doing well idk.
My main thing is I get we are young, but I feel like I’m mourning our potential because we could have had something beautiful but she’s choosing an escape over what we had planned (I’m not a prude by any means we could go to the club and party and what not, just not everyday and to blackout???) but I wish she never met these people, she was burnout from her college degree thing healthcare type so I get the need for escape, and she cited pressure as being the main reason for leaving. But when I tell you I did so much for her you wouldn’t believe me, but now she thinks she is “supported” by her friends but she is making the wrong decision, her parents even said they can’t recognize who she is these last few months.
Regardless I get it, she gave up on us, I have to move on. But the fact of the matter is, she is escaping and spiraling and I thought love is to stay solid even when the other person isn’t, but she just left me instead man.