I am 21 and honestly… I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I have a job where I travel around 60-65km daily on my CD70. My shift is 9-6, but if you include getting ready and commuting, it's basically 7-8. After that, I rest for like 30-45 minutes and then jump into my side hustle (freelancing) till 1am. Then repeat.
I have been doing this for 7 months straight, and I genuinely don't think I can keep this up anymore. I've lost around 10 kg, my back hurts like hell, and sometimes I just zone out in the middle of things like my brain just gives up.
On top of that, the girl I liked since I was 17 rejected me (great timing). We were a group of 4 friends, and all 3 of them went abroad for their masters. I am the only one left here. Coming from a middle class family and being the oldest son, going abroad isn't really an option for me right now, even though I really wanted to. I also wanted to go all in on my business, but my parents want me to stick to a job for at least 2 years first. Plus, I have responsibilities I can't just ignore.
I honestly don't even know how I've managed these past 7 months. Lately, it's getting worse. For the last 2-3 months, I haven't been able to sleep properly. I get extremely tired, but when I try to sleep, I keep waking up suddenly, like with a shock. One time it was so bad I literally hit my head on the wall. No idea what that even is.
And sometimes while riding, I catch myself going way too fast, almost like a part of me is thinking, "If I crash and get a fracture, at least I'll get some rest." (Yeah… not my best thought process.)
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I don't feel like telling my family or friends they'll probably just think I am being weak or that I gave up too early. And honestly, my family thinks everything is fine and that I'm happy because I am earning well for my age, so I don't want to ruin that for them by telling them how I actually feel.
So yeah… just wanted to get this off my chest. I guess this feels like a safe place since my identity is hidden and if anyone has life even slightly figured out… is this normal? does everyone go through this? what should I even do… I don't even know what to ask at this point hehe.