tw: sexual trauma how to overcome
tw: sexual abuse
hi not sure if this is the right sub, but I dont know who to talk to about this. I am so frustrated because I can't enjoy sex anymore. i always grew up feeling ashamed about my sex drive, but i have always enjoyed sex. a while ago I was pressured into sex with someone who made me extremely uncomfortable. I told him no and he kept touching me and I felt unsafe. I froze and felt I had to go along with it because it would be worse to restate my boundary and be ignored a second time.
now I am with someone who I truly care for and we started out being very sexually active. he has never made me feel unsafe, and having good sex with him made me feel empowered to take back my own sexuality. he is someone who is very focused on my pleasure, and I've never had that before. but recently, we've been finding it extremely difficult to be alone. we both live with other people and for reasons can't have sex at our houses unless people are out. we have hooked up in his car a lot, but we stopped after a cop caught us. that experience was extremely uncomfortable. and honestly traumatic.
now on the off chance my place is free, he comes over but it feels rushed and I'm always stressing about people coming home and catching us to the point where it doesn't feel good anymore. I am so sexually frustrated, and upset that something private between us, an expression of how we feel about each other is now warped by paranoia. I also mentioned my previous experience (not the only time I've been sexually abused either) because it has left me struggling to set boundaries during sex. however I have done my best, and my partner is fully supportive to taking a break from sex. i just don't know how to reclaim the feeling of fulfilling sex. It feels insane to cry over this frustration. it's not that I don't want to have sex with him, I truly do. my body gets turned on from being with him, I just can't turn my brain off and have to stop. is there anyone who has gone through something similar and has any advice for overcoming this?