I'm tiered from it all
I'm writting this in english because I don't want to individuals who think this is okay to have easy time talking. and there is no point in pretending to value anything in this culture, not even the language.
today i found out that my father genuenly believes from the bottom of his soul that im a whore my default for being born a woman. i already know that cunt of a creature is projecting since he probably lost his virginity and didnt tell anyone.
He was the creepy guy who was 40 who went for a vanurable 20 year old white girl. and broke her down till she became a vile thing herself.
I live with an animal who calls himself a man. he talks like a child. he doesn't care about anyone but himself. he is a disgusting cretaure both in habbit and in mind. he doesnt think of any woman in the house as anything more than means to serve him.
and poeple think he is treating everyone well because my vile mother is braindead and tells everyone how much of an amazing person he is and how much he loves her. when he doesnt even meet the bare minimum. the only bare minimum is "he doesn't hit me" which sounds sad until you realize she is okay with him hitting us because "we must've pissed him off" she ravishes in my suffering because i dont bend to her every wim. he taught her that, told her that we dont respect her by showing emotions to her. that disgusting rotten dog of a manchild.
she doesnt care about her kids being mentally hurt or truamatized or berated by him because the vile creature thinks its his right.
he is forcing me to tell him everywhere i go. to "take his permission". to control his woman so they wont open thier legs to the first dick that gives them attention like bitches in heat as he so believes.
the vile fuck knows it, but he wouldn't say it outright so i wont have ground to stand on.
the vile fuck refuses to pay a penny on me after i started working. he pinched pennies so he wont give us enough money for anything as we were growing up.
there is not a single older man alive left. only older women with no spine, so that mentally ill bastard does whatever he wants to us and his mentally ill wife and every woman in the family "can't stop him"
I can't move out since i fear him killing me if i attempt it. no friend can help me. no family has the spine nor the shits-given enough to help me.
I feel my soul rotting. I dream of the day i either see him draw his last breath, or snap and kill him with my hands or die trying.
This old boy is making my life a prison because he thinks all women are whores and spends his day watching movies were women get berated and slaps all the time.
he is forcing me to travel with them to family when i stated many times I can't go because I dont have enough vacation nor there is good internet when my job is online.
he said he didnt care if i get fired. nor if i get harmed, and said he "doesnt trust me"
funny how he was a whore himself in his young years only to somehow twist it to women being the whores not him.
If only killing didnt get me to jail i would've chocked him in his sleep or poisoned him years ago.
but alas, im born in this fuck ass country were im treated less than dirt, less than a slave because not a single soul cares if i lash out if i cry, if i isolate for my own mental wellbeing. or if i bang my head against the wood.
and im expected to be a god fearing woman and a good muslim and a sane woman who apreciates life and the poeple around her.
there are poeple who think i dont deserve love because of my background. poeple who think i should accept this because im a woman. i deserve this because im a woman that needs a man to control her. because im born a whore by nature.
how can i be anything but resentful. how can i even see any god in all this. how can i wish for anything but damnation on this land and this world. I'm growing old and this vile dog has trapped me inside four walls and thinks of me as nothing but a pair of tits and a vagina. and has the fucking mental capacity to call himself a father.
I wish for the day were i grow enough courage to rip his skin with my teeth. to gouge his eyes in my hands. to punch his face so many times that his face is covered in blood.
i wish everything bad happens to him.
but no. he is living his life. controlling his women. god has his grace on him. and im supposed to accept it till my hair grows grey and my soul finally leaves my body.
I really wish there was a way out. i wish i had a single human who gave enough shits about me to help me out of this.
be greatful for god for he has a plan for you. is what the christians say and the muslims say.
what a nice convenient thing to say.
it feels wonderful to see myself age in the mirror with eyes hollowing out and face sagging.
it feels amazing to see poeple live thier lives as human beings while im treated like a slave.
it feels wonderful to have to carry myself completly on my own shoulders because i was born to that dog.
i will never forgive my mother. i will never forgive my father. i know god will forgive them. and send me to hell just for being born.
god will forgive them but not me.
because they pray. and i dont. i cant.
god will treat them like beatiful misguided poeple.
and i will be given the treatment of the worst hainous of creatures because i dare to be born in this house.
my emotions have dwindeled so much I dont think i have much empathy left.
what could i even feel after all this bullshit. what could i possibly want more than thier painful death, that i know wont arrive.
and its even more beautiful. because everyone is watching while i deteriorate. and who tf cares about a whore who doesnt entertain anyway.