u/Far_Estate_7244

I've never done an update post before so I'm sorry if I'm not quite doing this right.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Preschoolers/s/GxwRMzRYDR

So I spoke with Forrest today. Tl;dr It did NOT go well, Forrest is kinda crazy, and the school is taking next steps.

I asked Forrest if Ingrid's Grandma had told him about the slapping incident and he said yes she did. So I told him, I've been trying to be patient and understanding but it's really gotten out of hand and it seems like Ingrid is targeting my children. I said that I'm not seeing her really get disciplined and I brought up how he let her stay after she threw her tantrum when she pulled Bella's hair. Then I said I'm at the point where I'm telling my kids that if she hits them they should hit her back to defend themselves and I don't know what else I'm supposed to do from here.

He at this point started raising his voice. He said that what I had just said was indefensible. That I want my 5 year old, 6 inches taller boy to hit Ingrid in the face. That he had thought I was really nice and had even told his wife that I'm nice but now he's sees I'm just vindictive and unreasonable.

I clarified that no, I don't *want* him to hit her and certainly not in the face and I never said that. But that they have every right to defend themselves when *she hurts them first.* He basically just repeated all of the above, said I have no right to talk about his daughter, and then yelled that I'm a fucking bitch in front of a bunch of preschoolers and their parents. I told him he needs to get his daughter under control and then I gathered Ben and Bella and marched back into the school. I learned later that one of the other moms also came in after me basically as a witness, which I really appreciate.

Spoke with the same administrator from yesterday, she brought in one of the pastors (it is a Christian school), and I filled them in on all of the above. They apologized that I'm dealing with this and said they're going to schedule a sit down with Forrest to get his side (although my impression is they're on mine) and to talk to him about his inappropriate behavior re: yelling and swearing like that in front of a bunch of children. They also said they're going to create a formal policy for after hours playground use. Apparently they've just never really needed one before so it was an oversight.

So that's where we're at. Super fun /s. Feels very unsafe. I will definitely not be taking the kids to the playground after school any time soon unless there's some kind of resolution that involves Ingrid and Forrest not being allowed. I'm really uncomfortable with even being near him again, frankly. Definitely feel vindicated in my initial fear and apprehension over being more direct. My gut was spot on. Not quite sure what I'm going to do about pick up. I might just be fashionably late the rest of the school year.

I know not everyone will agree with teaching children to physically defend themselves, and that's okay. I get it's somewhat controversial. His reaction was entirely uncalled for and unhinged though, and just for the record I am very clear with Ben and Bella that they are never ever to start it, only finish it when they have no other option, and honestly I don't think they would do it anyway. I've told that to Ben in the past and clearly it was not his instinct to hit back. My kids know better than to hit.

I (35f) have a 5 yo son "Ben" that attends half day preschool as well as a 4 yo daughter "Bella" that is still home with me full time. The preschool allows us to let the kids play on the playground after school for 30 minutes or so before the after-care kids come out, which we take advantage of most days. There are a few other regulars, including "Ingrid" 4f who comes with her dad most days.

Things were fine for months with only occasional and age-appropriate redirection needed from parents, but over the last month or so Ingrid has become increasingly aggressive with Ben and Bella. It started with only Bella. She would come up to me saying Ingrid kicked her, hit her, or pushed her, usually from an angle I could not see. I wrote off the first couple times as accidental and told Bella it was probably an accident, you'll be okay, etc. But things have continued to escalate. A couple weeks ago Ingrid pulled Bella's hair HARD. Her dad "Forrest" asked her why she did it and Ingrid claimed it was because she thinks Bella's hair is pretty. Forrest told Ingrid they were going to leave because that's not okay, which started Ingrid on a tantrum, which is where things really go off the rails imo because Forrest just let her win the argument and they didn't leave.

Since that day I've been keeping much closer watch. Ingrid regularly plays too rough, pushing and hitting. On more than one occasion I've told her sternly but not yelling that she needs to keep her hands to herself and even straight up told her to just leave Bella alone.

Last week she started going after Ben as well as Bella. She pushed him by his HEAD hard enough that he fell over. I again told her she needs to keep her hands to herself and we don't push. I went over to Forrest after that, who was scrolling and not paying attention. I told him what happened, and I was very nice about it and offering excuses basically, like "yeah, parenting is hard... raising an only child definitely makes it harder to teach proper touching... kids do weird things when they don't know what to do with their emotions... we've had to talk to Ben several times about gentle hands, etc." Basically just being super understanding while also making sure he knows I'm seeing the pattern and I'm concerned about it. He said he was going to take her home, but then after-care came outside and idk if he disciplined her in any way. Probably not if we're taking bets.

Well yesterday Ingrid once again went after Ben. They were both facing me and not interacting at all when out of nowhere Ingrid turns around and slaps him in the face one hand after the other hard enough to make my pretty tough boy cry. I sternly said, "no way, girlfriend. We do NOT hit. You need to tell him you're sorry right now." Spoiler: she did not. It was her grandma there, not dad, and she did get Ingrid to apologize and made her leave for once. So that was good.

I'm pissed and about ready to backhand a 4yo AND her deadbeat dad at this point. I spoke to the school administration. They recommended I talk to mom, but, since it's happening outside of school hours/school supervision their hands are somewhat tied. I have never seen or met mom. The school can't give me her number (not that I expect them to, they told me unprompted that they couldn't). I did tell them they could give her my number and she can reach out to me if she's comfortable with that. But the impression I got reading between the lines is "Dad is really laid back whereas Mom would probably help but we can't/won't talk to her about it directly or give you her contact info."

I don't know what else to do. I don't know what to say to Forrest. I know I was probably too nice last time, but, well, men are inherently intimidating to women so I really don't know how comfortable I am being more direct. I know I could stop taking them to the playground after school, but I think it's awfully unfair to essentially punish my victimized children for the poor behavior of their bully and her dad. I would really appreciate any advice or scripting you can give me.

Update here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Preschoolers/s/EoGr8WgWQX