Some mornings, the hardest task in the world is getting out of bed. Not because you’re sick or lazy. Because the ‘why’ is blurry.
As for the rest of us, I mean days when you don't want to do the most basic of everyday tasks like get out of bed. Or changing out of your pajamas once you've freed yourself from your sheets and blanket.
Because at times you’ve wondered: Why do I need to get up? What’s the point?
In my case I was experiencing moods that scared me. The desire to punch someone who asked me a question like, “Who was the last person to use the air fryer?” I don’t know. I just got up.
And I had a teacher in elementary school who’d start class by warning us, “Today would be a good day not to.” As well as living with older relatives (both as a child and as adult) I had to watch what I said and did around.
My own moods that didn’t scare me to that degree, yet as someone who’s been scared to ask numerous authority figures, mostly supervisors, for help. Both as a child and as an adult. Those moods were scary enough.
And don’t EVER want to scare anyone that much. Because you never know what someone is going through. Your snarky comment could be what pushes them over their edge. Before they carry out unspeakable horrific acts.
This past winter I had the time and curiosity to ask myself, “What caused these moods?”
Maybe it was all the decisions I made that got me to where I currently am. Living in a reformed hotel, working a part time gig that doesn’t challenge me enough. Nor is it the career of my dreams.
While I’m not living my dream life, I am taking steps to get the life I dream about.
One of those decisions, was leaving the corporate world. I was not made to “climb the corporate ladder.” I’ve tried a few times. Never wanting to go above the second rung. Of all the gigs I’ve worked, I didn’t see myself staying long term at any of them. There were a couple gigs were I was alright with selling my time for less than it’s worth. Less than a livable wage. One was a retail gig. It didn’t require too much effort on my part. I just had to scan the barcode of the customer’s items and call for a price check if they had an issue with the price.
One day after getting home from a soul-sucking 9-5, I told my sister “Those who are alright with doing this long term better get paid a lot or really enjoy this work.” While the gig paid decent I didn’t enjoy the work. Or the commute.
The thought of going back to the corporate world has crossed my mind. Yet I wouldn’t be happier. They wouldn’t pay me enough to do work I didn’t enjoy. While I’m sure that NO ONE loves what they do every second.
Going back crossed my mind because of its only benefit: the steady consistent income.
Just thinking about going back to another 9-5 makes my soul want to weep as my body cringes. I have also working in retail and restaurants. Those gigs are “real work.” Anything that you have to be on your feet for most of your shift IS real work. And that is a hill I will die on.
Yet there is hope. As I’m working my current gig to pay my bills, I am making progress towards my dream life. As I began to wonder/worry about how I was going to pay for groceries. Then the number of hours I worked increased. While also giving more attention to the trauma of my past (instead of ignoring my past), my refrigerator filled up.
Another highlight of my current gig is it only gives me enough time to also work on getting my dream work going. Work I look forward to doing. Work that pays enough so I can live more and work less.