My doctor had me switched from paroxetine 12.5 to Wellbutrin 150mg. It was mostly to help me stop smoking. Two days after stopping I started suffering from severe brain zaps to the point I was feeling nauseated and wired at night.
I found my leftover stash of paroxetine and went back on it today. But I'm back in the state of being aware of my reality. It's this profoundly horrifying realization that it was the meds keeping me going forward but honestly at the core nothing has changed. I have never been in a relationship, never traveled out of country. I live with my abusing parents at the age of 28 and even though I run a business, it's a complete failure, I am running a business that is not making any money. I am supposed to be in marketing but I'm terrified of stepping out myself. When I was 18, My mother found a bunch of my pics in a bra and used it to blackmail me into cutting off my friends. She threatened to tell my father if i didn't. He would have probably killed me. Honestly this destroyed any sense of womanhood I had, to the point where I truly hate myself with a sick pleasure. I'm unable to try dating because it's terrifying not knowing how to act. I'm an extremely sociable person but it's a mask to cover up the fact that I don't know how to communicate about myself without feeling pathetic.
I don't know, I just don't know. I honestly don't even want to type this here because I feel pathetic and pointless. I just want this life to end, or at least be torn apart for being a completely useless existence that does nothing for this world