Retroactive Jealousy how to?
I really need advice on retroactive jealousy/paranoia. I've recently been off my meds as recently I've been really impulsive with them, so my doctor has stopped prescribing for me. I feel like since I've been off my meds I feel way more anxious, paranoid, jealous, and angry. How can I manage this or at least communicate this to my boyfriend?
I've been dating my boyfriend for around 5 months now, and my emotions aren't really a new topic for us, but recently we have been butting heads a little bit more and it's always because of me feeling paranoid and then becoming really angry with him, which isn't fair.
For example, the other day I felt upset because when he left my house that morning for work, he sounded like he was in a rush. He was in a rush, because he was late, but for some reason I really felt like he didn't like me anymore. So, when I was at work later that day, for some reason I started going through his following on Instagram and I started blowing up his phone. He literally did nothing to upset me, he didn't follow any new girls recently, and we have talked about his following before and I had been okay with it. This day I just wasn't okay with it anymore. He was rightfully really confused and felt like it was unfair, and later that day he came to my house and we made up. He's amazing to me, and he just explained to me that he understands that I feel a certain way about his friends, and that he's more than willing to discuss his relationship with them, but I can't come at him that way. Which is fair.
But literally, later that night, I got upset again, and it was way worse. What triggered it was him tickling me, and we literally do this to each other all the time, but this time I got really upset and I felt like he was tricking me or that he was trying to embarrass me or purposefully make me upset. He was again, really confused as to why I blew up at him because we literally always do this to each other. And this time, he got pretty upset with me.
This whole thing lasted hours. He quickly stopped being upset within this time, I guess because he realized it was making me more upset, and he started being really sweet and trying to just get me to calm down but it wasn't working, I just felt like I was in full flight mode for hours. And again, this isn't fair to him at all. I don't want him to walk on eggshells around me or feel like he can't be upset because I'm upset and that's a riskier thing.
I just feel like when I feel really paranoid it literally makes me feel like I'm being hunted and I can't listen or be reasonable at all. I always try to walk away but that ends in self-harm or impulsive self-destructive behaviour, no matter who is around me. When he walks away I panic even more and I get even more angry with him for leaving, even if he's just trying to cool down. When we talk every word he says is a lie in my mind and I get angry because I feel like he's lying to me. I'm in therapy and I do DBT right now, but I feel like I cant think that way when I feel like everyone is lying to me. When I ask myself a wise mind question, my brain answers it illogically and I think it's 100% making sense to me in the moment. What's worse, is that the more times I lose my cool because of paranoia, the more paranoid I become normally. Like the level of fear I feel just existing is really high right now.
Does anyone else struggle with this, or know some way to at least stay calm and not become aggressive for like 10 minutes so that you can actually have a conversation?