Bad 1st Mother’s Day, am I crazy? (PPD)
1st Mother’s Day. I have a 6 month old daughter. My birthday right after having her was disappointing too, so I kept my expectations low but really hoped for a good day.
Motherhood has been rocky for me. I work full time from home while my husband works out of town a lot. He IS involved and helps when he’s home, so I’m not trying to paint him as some deadbeat. But I’ve struggled badly with PPD. There were points I wasn’t eating for 2 days, having suicidal thoughts, sitting alone in my car crying for hours. I’m in weekly therapy now and trying my best. He knows how hard it’s been.
Around midnight he said “Happy Mother’s Day.” I woke up, fed the baby, laid around for a bit, then accidentally slept most of the day because my sleep has been awful lately from stress/PPD. I’ve also been asking for a massage for MONTHS because I’ve been exhausted and overwhelmed. He did call that morning and the only appointment was 8pm.
I woke up around 5 and came downstairs asking if we were getting dinner because honestly I just wanted normal food and a nice evening together. Even takeout would’ve been fine. Instead he pulled an expensive cake out of the fridge. It was pretty, but immediately I knew it wasn’t really for ME. It was a flavor I’ve never eaten and would never pick for myself, and honestly felt more like something for his mom too (she lives with us). I still thanked him and said it was beautiful.
Then I asked again if we were getting food and he said “if you can split it with me.” Money has been a little tight lately so we do split things sometimes and normally I wouldn’t care, but hearing that on Mother’s Day absolutely shattered me. Especially because he can afford dinner just fine and literally has a new car on the way.
I ended up leaving to buy myself sushi because I didn’t want my whole day ruined. Then I walked into a restaurant full of couples and families celebrating Mother’s Day and completely lost it. I sat in my car sobbing and ate sushi alone on my first Mother’s Day.
We got into the biggest fight we’ve ever had afterward. He kept saying he got me the cake and massage. But I begged for the massage for months, and the cake felt so impersonal. I don’t even like that kind of cake. I just felt invisible, like he doesn’t even know me. He said I ruin every holiday and am never happy.
I didn’t want some extravagant gift. I wanted thoughtfulness. Something intentional that I didn’t tell him to do. A card with actual words in it. My favorite boba. A stuffed animal. Something that showed he SEES me and appreciates how hard this year has been physically and mentally.
After my massage, they told me he tried to pay while I was inside, but I had already paid myself. Then I got to my car and there was a card on my dashboard. It was nice, but generic and unsigned and honestly just felt like an afterthought.
I know PPD probably amplifies emotions, but I genuinely feel heartbroken. I’ve had such a hard postpartum experience while still working and caring for our baby, and I just wanted to feel appreciated for one day. I just want to know I’m not alone in feeling this hurt over it. 😔